Each Christmas, something triggers a memory from my childhood. I used to dread this occurrence each year, but as I grow older, I have come to cherish this feeling and dread it at the same time. The memory is of me sitting in my mom's car as a little girl with the radio on. I heard the song, "Blue Christmas" sung by Elvis Presley. Cheezy, right? I was a pretty young girl, but I remember crying and thinking about how much I missed my Grandpa Burks who had passed away. Each year of my life since I was five, I have heard that song and felt that same sadness, but the list of people that I think of while it plays has grown. I carry this list of people who have passed with me all the time and I have resigned myself to the process of living and dying. I'm not a really good griever. I always focus too much on the regreats and not enough on the good times. Usually, what I call "grieving" is just me pretending like they never died. I'm working on it, though, and I accept myself where I am. It's a waste of time not to.
As my wise friend Diane would say, "growing older is a series of losses." This may sound morbid to some, but I think accepting life "as it is and not as I would have it," as is stated in the Serenity Prayer, is a major key to peace in a world of strife and loss.
The good news? In Mark 12, it says, "He is not the God of the dead, but of the living." These people who have died in Christ are not dead. In fact, they are more alive than we are! I am not always comforted by this in my grief, but I know this is God's truth. That will have to carry me through until I arrive HOME to my Father and see my brothers and sisters again. What a great day that will be!
Here's my list as of Christmas 2010:
I'll probably forget some folks, but that's the hazard of blogging with six other people making noise in my house.
(In fairly sequential order from the age of five up until now)
Grandpa Lemuel Burks
Brent Paladino
Karlos Highfill
Amanda Sherwood
Uncle Clyde Allen
Bonnie Garner
Betty Thompson
Granny Vera Burks
Mike McMurrough
Lottie Ramsey
Feliz (oops can't remember my great aunt's last name)
Marie (again, I have forgotten these aunts married names)
Jessica Morgan
Joyce Hazlett
Christa Stramel
Robert Toon
Here are the lyrics: (minus the ladies singing the high pitched singing of the ooh, ooh, wee, ooh )
I’ll have a blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me
And when the blue snowflakes start falling
That’s when those blue memories start calling
You’ll be doing alright with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue ChristmasYou’ll be doing alright with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
For Freedom...
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)
Oh, to be free! What a wonderful idea, concept, desire, etc. Interestingly, though, I think that most of us are not. I myself am not as often as I want to be, and how I long to be free. I have been thinking a lot about freedom lately. I have been struggling with feelings of wanting to be free of certain sins and actions in my life. I have been witnessing the suffering of others around me and wishing that I could take it from them. How odd that I desire to give people what I do not have in so many areas of my life! This has taken me back to a time when things were particularly difficult in my life and I attended a counseling program that led my husband and I through a lengthy exercise of making an inventory of sins that we needed to confess and people that we need to forgive. What a simple concept! It seemed of little importance at the time, but I was desperate enough to try anything. I was miserable, defeated, and did I say desperate?
Note: It took a bit of reflection and writing time to get this all out and it was not something that I would like to do for fun. However, as we began to read through the lists, I began to feel lighter. I started feeling hope seep into the cracks in my soul that were created by these violations committed by myself and others.
At the end of the moral inventory, I felt like a million bucks. It was difficult reading my sins aloud, but it was so cleansing to bring these dark things out into the light. They were deceptively large and ugly in the dark! In the light of God's grace, they had no power over me and they were little things after all. This brings to mind Psalm 51:2 that says "Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!" I confessed things that day that I had been holding on to for years. I believe that unconfessed or habitual sin eventually takes hold of us and traps us in shame and fear of letting it go. Then, all the shame that I had carried had disappeared! God even inspired me with a picture in my mind of myself in my beautiful wedding dress surrounded in light so I would know that is how God sees me. First John 3:1 echoes in my soul as I write this-"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" I had felt rejected my whole life and God accepted me in the face of my rejection of him. What a great system!
The second phase of this process was even more powerful. You know, as many of you have experienced in your own life, there are a lot of hurtful people out there. I had a long list of people who had hurt me-some people I loved and some people I hated. The counselor posed an interesting question to us: "Who is the person who has hurt you the most?" Immediately, a person popped into my head. I bet that question never takes long to answer. I was 23 years old when I answered that question. Now, eleven years older, I have a different answer-but we'll get to that later. Then there were more questions. "How many sins has that person committed against you?" I felt sick. Next, he asked, "now, how many sins have YOU committed?" I thought, what does that have to do with what we're talking about!? Then he asked, "if Jesus, can forgive you your sins, which are far surpassing in number, can you forgive this person?" I was forced to look at the picture of salvation. The same Jesus that died on the cross for my hurtful person that died for me! More importantly, Jesus did not withhold His mercy from me for my sins! Why can Jesus go around forgiving people that hurt Him and I can't? (No seriously, why? I still am terrible at this!!!) This was very humbling...
Furthermore, I think that the "spiritual forces of evil"-Ephesians 6:12 (or whatever you want to call it)- have set up a pretty sick system anyway. It seems more than a little unfair that the people who get hurt become so burdened with the weight of that offense, that they continue to suffer until they are set free from that hurt through forgiveness. Have you experienced that like I have? This can happen in countless ways. Think of a person who has had their purity violated and spirals into shame and self-destruction of various forms. Think of person who has suffered physical, mental, or any other kind of abuse and then becomes so locked up in the pain of it that they turn and abuse others. What about the generations of family members that pass these things on? All because some hurting person hurt someone else! Well, I say, "NO MORE!!!"
But see, I have these problems, excuses, if you will. Here's the list:
1) I don't want to deal with the pain of thinking about that right now.
2) I don't want to forgive someone until they apologize to me.
3) I don't want to forgive someone unless I know that they really mean it and understand the pain they have caused me.
4) I'm busy right now! or I'm tired!
5) Fill-in-the-blank with the reason of the week!
If you can identify, bear with me while I address these numbered items the best I can. You may have better ideas, but that's okay. This is my blog! Get your own!
1) If I am hurting right now, the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I can be free and feel better. Also, some jerk who hurt me, especially if they did it on purpose, does not deserve the satisfaction of my incarceration for even ONE MORE DAY.
2) Some people will never apologize. Some people were already hurt when they hurt you and don't have the skills to make healthy choices. Also, this is how I see it: If my actions depend on the actions of someone else, then I am letting them have control over me. I don't let anyone have control over me!
3) I am such a proud person sometimes. Who am I to say that someone isn't sorry?! I have learned by getting-ahem-OLDER that I don't even know my own heart-much LESS the heart of someone else. And aren't I getting a little too "judgey" here? (yes, that's a word I just made up. Again, it's my blog, my rules. Ha!)
4) If I am free, I can think more clearly, make better choices, and be more at peace. Since I have resolved many of these issues in my life, I even sleep better! Who couldn't use more sleep?
5) I need to get over myself!!!
Well, in case you're thinking that I should be pretty good at this process after 12 years, you're wrong. I don't think this process is more than just a skill to possess, but a journey and guide for the rest of our lives. I have repeated this process even in various programs and still struggle. Many times.
So, here's what i'm going to do. I'm going to do it again. And again. And, you guessed it-AGAIN.
If you want to join me, make an inventory of sins to confess. This is pretty cut and dry. Then, I confess these sins "to another that you [I] may be healed." (James 5:16) Though some us differ on the belief and application of that scripture, I think it's true for everyone that God wants us to have someone else involved in this process. This is not time for debate. It's a great idea, at least!
I like to take things in phases, so I don't get overwhelmed. So, next, I would get started on the list of people who have hurt you. You can even search the internet for forms to fill in if you like. (I wish there was also an "easy button" also, but there's not.) My favorite way to make columns: Column #1) People who have hurt me-And it's okay to include God or yourself
Column #2) What they did-all inclusive and this whole activity should only be done with someone you trust. It's okay. Just get it out.
Column #3) How it made me feel-Use descriptive words to express your feelings. You can find lists on emotions on the web too if this is not your strong suit.
Then say it outloud like this (or however you want to):
Jesus, I forgive person's name
for list the offense or offenses - I go back and forth on whether or not to do one offense at a time or listing them all at once
which made me feel - _____________-List all the feelings you have about this from then and now.
Okay, lastly: (as if this weren't long enough!)
1) Pick a person you can trust. Maybe someone not directly involved. Maybe someone you can guarantee will not repeat any of this or use it against you. Maybe someone further along in their faith walk than you. Maybe someone who has been through this with their own issues.
2) Schedule the time. This is important. No interruptions. You are important. Make this a priority.
3) Suggestion: Plan to do something really positive after this activity! I love balance and I try to do something positive and fun after emotionally taxing situations.
4) Do it soon! Freedom is just behind the door! Granted, it's an ugly door and I'd often rather leave all that stuff behind it, but it's worth it!!!
Alright, so back to the statement I made earlier about my answer on the person who hurt me most being different now. My answer now: ME. What does that mean? A variety of things:
-I'm no longer living in bondage to other people.
-I'm only in control of myself and I'm taking responibility for my own actions and failures.
-I'm not focusing on the faults of others-which, again, I have no control over.
-God is pleased. I am pleased.
-I have control over my own FREEDOM.
So, why do I not live every day in victory? Because i'm human. And that's okay.
God still loves me.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)
Oh, to be free! What a wonderful idea, concept, desire, etc. Interestingly, though, I think that most of us are not. I myself am not as often as I want to be, and how I long to be free. I have been thinking a lot about freedom lately. I have been struggling with feelings of wanting to be free of certain sins and actions in my life. I have been witnessing the suffering of others around me and wishing that I could take it from them. How odd that I desire to give people what I do not have in so many areas of my life! This has taken me back to a time when things were particularly difficult in my life and I attended a counseling program that led my husband and I through a lengthy exercise of making an inventory of sins that we needed to confess and people that we need to forgive. What a simple concept! It seemed of little importance at the time, but I was desperate enough to try anything. I was miserable, defeated, and did I say desperate?
Note: It took a bit of reflection and writing time to get this all out and it was not something that I would like to do for fun. However, as we began to read through the lists, I began to feel lighter. I started feeling hope seep into the cracks in my soul that were created by these violations committed by myself and others.
At the end of the moral inventory, I felt like a million bucks. It was difficult reading my sins aloud, but it was so cleansing to bring these dark things out into the light. They were deceptively large and ugly in the dark! In the light of God's grace, they had no power over me and they were little things after all. This brings to mind Psalm 51:2 that says "Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!" I confessed things that day that I had been holding on to for years. I believe that unconfessed or habitual sin eventually takes hold of us and traps us in shame and fear of letting it go. Then, all the shame that I had carried had disappeared! God even inspired me with a picture in my mind of myself in my beautiful wedding dress surrounded in light so I would know that is how God sees me. First John 3:1 echoes in my soul as I write this-"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" I had felt rejected my whole life and God accepted me in the face of my rejection of him. What a great system!
The second phase of this process was even more powerful. You know, as many of you have experienced in your own life, there are a lot of hurtful people out there. I had a long list of people who had hurt me-some people I loved and some people I hated. The counselor posed an interesting question to us: "Who is the person who has hurt you the most?" Immediately, a person popped into my head. I bet that question never takes long to answer. I was 23 years old when I answered that question. Now, eleven years older, I have a different answer-but we'll get to that later. Then there were more questions. "How many sins has that person committed against you?" I felt sick. Next, he asked, "now, how many sins have YOU committed?" I thought, what does that have to do with what we're talking about!? Then he asked, "if Jesus, can forgive you your sins, which are far surpassing in number, can you forgive this person?" I was forced to look at the picture of salvation. The same Jesus that died on the cross for my hurtful person that died for me! More importantly, Jesus did not withhold His mercy from me for my sins! Why can Jesus go around forgiving people that hurt Him and I can't? (No seriously, why? I still am terrible at this!!!) This was very humbling...
Furthermore, I think that the "spiritual forces of evil"-Ephesians 6:12 (or whatever you want to call it)- have set up a pretty sick system anyway. It seems more than a little unfair that the people who get hurt become so burdened with the weight of that offense, that they continue to suffer until they are set free from that hurt through forgiveness. Have you experienced that like I have? This can happen in countless ways. Think of a person who has had their purity violated and spirals into shame and self-destruction of various forms. Think of person who has suffered physical, mental, or any other kind of abuse and then becomes so locked up in the pain of it that they turn and abuse others. What about the generations of family members that pass these things on? All because some hurting person hurt someone else! Well, I say, "NO MORE!!!"
But see, I have these problems, excuses, if you will. Here's the list:
1) I don't want to deal with the pain of thinking about that right now.
2) I don't want to forgive someone until they apologize to me.
3) I don't want to forgive someone unless I know that they really mean it and understand the pain they have caused me.
4) I'm busy right now! or I'm tired!
5) Fill-in-the-blank with the reason of the week!
If you can identify, bear with me while I address these numbered items the best I can. You may have better ideas, but that's okay. This is my blog! Get your own!
1) If I am hurting right now, the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I can be free and feel better. Also, some jerk who hurt me, especially if they did it on purpose, does not deserve the satisfaction of my incarceration for even ONE MORE DAY.
2) Some people will never apologize. Some people were already hurt when they hurt you and don't have the skills to make healthy choices. Also, this is how I see it: If my actions depend on the actions of someone else, then I am letting them have control over me. I don't let anyone have control over me!
3) I am such a proud person sometimes. Who am I to say that someone isn't sorry?! I have learned by getting-ahem-OLDER that I don't even know my own heart-much LESS the heart of someone else. And aren't I getting a little too "judgey" here? (yes, that's a word I just made up. Again, it's my blog, my rules. Ha!)
4) If I am free, I can think more clearly, make better choices, and be more at peace. Since I have resolved many of these issues in my life, I even sleep better! Who couldn't use more sleep?
5) I need to get over myself!!!
Well, in case you're thinking that I should be pretty good at this process after 12 years, you're wrong. I don't think this process is more than just a skill to possess, but a journey and guide for the rest of our lives. I have repeated this process even in various programs and still struggle. Many times.
So, here's what i'm going to do. I'm going to do it again. And again. And, you guessed it-AGAIN.
If you want to join me, make an inventory of sins to confess. This is pretty cut and dry. Then, I confess these sins "to another that you [I] may be healed." (James 5:16) Though some us differ on the belief and application of that scripture, I think it's true for everyone that God wants us to have someone else involved in this process. This is not time for debate. It's a great idea, at least!
I like to take things in phases, so I don't get overwhelmed. So, next, I would get started on the list of people who have hurt you. You can even search the internet for forms to fill in if you like. (I wish there was also an "easy button" also, but there's not.) My favorite way to make columns: Column #1) People who have hurt me-And it's okay to include God or yourself
Column #2) What they did-all inclusive and this whole activity should only be done with someone you trust. It's okay. Just get it out.
Column #3) How it made me feel-Use descriptive words to express your feelings. You can find lists on emotions on the web too if this is not your strong suit.
Then say it outloud like this (or however you want to):
Jesus, I forgive person's name
for list the offense or offenses - I go back and forth on whether or not to do one offense at a time or listing them all at once
which made me feel - _____________-List all the feelings you have about this from then and now.
Okay, lastly: (as if this weren't long enough!)
1) Pick a person you can trust. Maybe someone not directly involved. Maybe someone you can guarantee will not repeat any of this or use it against you. Maybe someone further along in their faith walk than you. Maybe someone who has been through this with their own issues.
2) Schedule the time. This is important. No interruptions. You are important. Make this a priority.
3) Suggestion: Plan to do something really positive after this activity! I love balance and I try to do something positive and fun after emotionally taxing situations.
4) Do it soon! Freedom is just behind the door! Granted, it's an ugly door and I'd often rather leave all that stuff behind it, but it's worth it!!!
Alright, so back to the statement I made earlier about my answer on the person who hurt me most being different now. My answer now: ME. What does that mean? A variety of things:
-I'm no longer living in bondage to other people.
-I'm only in control of myself and I'm taking responibility for my own actions and failures.
-I'm not focusing on the faults of others-which, again, I have no control over.
-God is pleased. I am pleased.
-I have control over my own FREEDOM.
So, why do I not live every day in victory? Because i'm human. And that's okay.
God still loves me.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)
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