The Truth of the Matter

I'm writing tonight, in an attempt to get my blog flow rolling again. I warned you that I didn't know if I could be a consistent blogger-about two months ago. Some people like to be very committed and consistent in their blogging. I like to wait so long in between posts, that people wonder if i'm still alive. It keeps it more interesting. Well, anyway, i'm still alive and here goes nothing.
I had a really great Friday night. I love Friday nights. It's a great way to end my busy weeks and clear my head before I spend the rest of the weekend with my kids. Just before the band I sing in was going to start, a friend said, "Quit being in such a bad mood! What's wrong?" That totally caught me off-guard. I was so busy pretending to be in a good on the outside, that I didn't even realize the storm that was brewing within. Without hesitating, I replied, "I'm P***ed off!" Where did that come from?! I immediately started to tear up and we were standing on stage about the start the song. What kind of hypocrite runs around yelling at her kids and then gets up on stage and sings worship?! Well, I guess I'M the kind of hypocrite that does that!
But you know what? I'm not interested anymore in trying to live a life where I have to pretend to be anything i'm not. I believe that God made me and He's big enough to handle me and my feelings, wherever I am.
I don't even have a lot of concern about feelings. Feelings are uncontrollable and confusing at times. James 1:8 says man (or any person) is "double-minded and unstable in all his ways." I learned a lot about myself over the last fifteen years of living with addiction in my home. Two important things that I learned: I can't trust the addict and I can't trust ME. So, if I can't trust my feelings (which are subject to my human nature) and I can't trust myself, what can I trust?
When my life fell apart at the 20 and I gave my life to the Lord, I did it because nothing in my life had ever lasted. Everyone I love had failed me, I had lost things that I could never get back, and I had nothing left. In fact, the ONLY thing that had always been there for me was God. And not by accident, God was also the only thing that I could think of that COULD never leave or fail me. And so, my passionate adventure began. My life since has not been perfect or what I planned, but He has never left me. That should be enough, right? But NO-I still hurt over the pains of this world. I think that's just my heart reminding me that this is not my home. And until I make it there, I will trust in the truth-His Word, His promises, and the evidence of the reality of God that is all around us, if only we are willing to take the first step of the adventure.
Today I choose to look beyond feelings and stand upon the truth of God. Here are some of my favorite pieces of truth for the journey: (sources are not quoted here. I've got to go to bed, people!)
-God is faithfulness and he cannot deny himself.
-Unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated resentment.
-You can't fix the crap in your head with the crap in your head.
-Wherever you go, there you are.
-You can't have the resurrection without the crucifixion.
-You will grow in proportion to your ability to acquire grieving as a skill.
-He will make all things right, if I surrender to His Will.
-I am not alone.
These are just a few of things truths that I'm hanging on to right now. What are your favorites?

Zumba vs. Me vs. My Kids

Well, in an effort to win the "battle of the bulge," I started Zumba last night. My mom and I found a complete set of Zumba videos last week at SavABundle in Benton that were so cheap, it made me suspicious. Like, if these are so great, why are they so cheap? I guess nobody wants them and they are terrible! Well, my pre-assumptions were wrong. It was a lot of fun, with the exception of the audience of children that slowly gathered around to watch my fat jiggle to a variety of musical stylings.
I gotta tell you, excercising with children is an annoying and self-esteem-challenging experience. First, there was my daughter standing behind me and laughing. Then my oldest son came in and rolled his eyes. (what would I do without him?) Then, the three little boys came in and the comments began. It's like being on your own commentary show! Here are some of the highlights:
1) Mom, don't lose weight! I want you to look like this!
2) You look like you lost weight already! (it was a lie, but I chose to believe it anyway)
3) You're not fat, but the people on TV are really skinny. (nice, right?)
Well, wish me luck. At this rate, the only thing I expect to lose quickly is my sanity...
and maybe some kids. 

I have a follower!!!

Can you believe it? Someone is following my blog! To celebrate this occasion, I would like to introduce you to my first friend on Blogspot! I am aware that this may be overkill, but I may never have another, so here goes:
Nikki Paxton is one of the coolest people i've met in a while. She has a Master's in Public Adminstration, she is a hard worker, wife, and mother of three handsome sons. Here are things that I have learned from Nikki:
-White people wear flannel in Christmas pictures. No kidding. Seriously, they do. She pointed that out to me, and I noticed my very own flannel-clad portrait of Noel in my office.
-We are not to submit to foolishness. We are called to honor certain people in our lives, but we don't have to participate in their foolish decisions. (This one changed my life forever. She has a way of doing that.)
In even better news:
Nikki has a blog. It's Nikkimopapercrafts.blogspot.com, and she talks about life and all the cool things that she does to make life beautiful: creatively-themed parties, papercrafts, artwork, and more. I want to be more like her when I grow up. And she's pretty too. Her husband is a lucky guy. Check it out.

Balance

Okay, look. I don't know if I'll ever be a dependable blogger. And two posts in one day? There's got to be a rule against that...somewhere. I've never been good at rules. I long for a life that's not feast or famine, all or nothing. Before today, I hadn't blogged since Christmas. And guess what. That was kind of morbid too. I'm not always unhappy, so please give me the benefit of the doubt.
Anyway, I like to say or do something happy or positive after every difficult statement. So, here are some of my favorite quotes from the past week:
1) "One time, I made a candy cane!"-4yr. old, while going #2, referring to a previous #2.
2) "It was like a nightmare, only I felt great!"-good friend, can't elaborate.
3) "Lord and Holy Spirit, help me." -4yr. old, preparing to roll dice in a heated game of Farkle.
4) "Thank you for being a reflection of the Lord." -a friend who gives me way too much credit.

It's Just Another Day

Did you have a Happy Father's Day? Well, for various reasons (that you understand if you know me) holidays and special occasions are not as happy as they used to be. I really do love holidays, but no matter how great I feel about the day, there are people and things (in an extremely large, painful nutshell) that are gone. Do you feel me? If not, that's okay.
If so, let's talk about it.
Yesterday, I had a horrible morning and I let it cause me to make some bad choices (nothing illegal, don't worry). I didn't realize how badly I was hurting until that happened. I've struggled with special occasions for a while, but yesterday made me realize how important it is to have a plan for special days. And yes, i've tried just getting over it. It didn't work.
Anyway, here's a list of things that help me get through those sad days:
-Call someone and talk about it.
-Gripe, say it stinks, identify the feelings and get them out before they try to beat the peace out of you.
-If you need to, tell yourself that it's "just another day." I probably just offended someone that hates the idea of saying a religious holiday is "just another day." Don't worry, I'm not dissin' on Jesus. He knows that. (Thanks to LouDog for that piece of advice-it might not work for everyone, but it works for me.)
-Plan something special, so you're not at home all day in dirty pajamas, eating things you will regret. You know, thinking things like, "What kind of person sits home all day on _________, wearing dirty pajamas and eating things they will regret?" *disregard this last statement, if you feel really good about wearing dirty pajamas and eating things you will regret. To each his or her own...
But I digress...
I felt terrible, I screwed up, and then I picked myself up, reached out, and did something for myself. It was a great end to the day.
How do you deal with tough days?

p.s. I love my dad. :)