I'm writing tonight, in an attempt to get my blog flow rolling again. I warned you that I didn't know if I could be a consistent blogger-about two months ago. Some people like to be very committed and consistent in their blogging. I like to wait so long in between posts, that people wonder if i'm still alive. It keeps it more interesting. Well, anyway, i'm still alive and here goes nothing.
I had a really great Friday night. I love Friday nights. It's a great way to end my busy weeks and clear my head before I spend the rest of the weekend with my kids. Just before the band I sing in was going to start, a friend said, "Quit being in such a bad mood! What's wrong?" That totally caught me off-guard. I was so busy pretending to be in a good on the outside, that I didn't even realize the storm that was brewing within. Without hesitating, I replied, "I'm P***ed off!" Where did that come from?! I immediately started to tear up and we were standing on stage about the start the song. What kind of hypocrite runs around yelling at her kids and then gets up on stage and sings worship?! Well, I guess I'M the kind of hypocrite that does that!
But you know what? I'm not interested anymore in trying to live a life where I have to pretend to be anything i'm not. I believe that God made me and He's big enough to handle me and my feelings, wherever I am.
I don't even have a lot of concern about feelings. Feelings are uncontrollable and confusing at times. James 1:8 says man (or any person) is "double-minded and unstable in all his ways." I learned a lot about myself over the last fifteen years of living with addiction in my home. Two important things that I learned: I can't trust the addict and I can't trust ME. So, if I can't trust my feelings (which are subject to my human nature) and I can't trust myself, what can I trust?
When my life fell apart at the 20 and I gave my life to the Lord, I did it because nothing in my life had ever lasted. Everyone I love had failed me, I had lost things that I could never get back, and I had nothing left. In fact, the ONLY thing that had always been there for me was God. And not by accident, God was also the only thing that I could think of that COULD never leave or fail me. And so, my passionate adventure began. My life since has not been perfect or what I planned, but He has never left me. That should be enough, right? But NO-I still hurt over the pains of this world. I think that's just my heart reminding me that this is not my home. And until I make it there, I will trust in the truth-His Word, His promises, and the evidence of the reality of God that is all around us, if only we are willing to take the first step of the adventure.
Today I choose to look beyond feelings and stand upon the truth of God. Here are some of my favorite pieces of truth for the journey: (sources are not quoted here. I've got to go to bed, people!)
-God is faithfulness and he cannot deny himself.
-Unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated resentment.
-You can't fix the crap in your head with the crap in your head.
-Wherever you go, there you are.
-You can't have the resurrection without the crucifixion.
-You will grow in proportion to your ability to acquire grieving as a skill.
-He will make all things right, if I surrender to His Will.
-I am not alone.
These are just a few of things truths that I'm hanging on to right now. What are your favorites?
