Good Grief - When Holidays Hurt

Holiday are like a grief magnifying glass for me. I grieve year-round, but it's hardest on holidays (and birthdays). Today was no exception. Kids fighting, Me crying. It's become a new tradition. I wish it wasn't that way, but I'm grieving. And i'm also annoyed.

I think we are conditioned in our society to believe that holidays are supposed to be special and perfect. So many of us have an ideal holiday in our heads and we put a lot into it as a society. The problem? Everyone you love is supposed to be with you. But that's not the case for so many of us.

And to make it even worse, people don't want you to grieve on holidays. It messes up the obligatory good times. The picture-perfect holidays. It makes people feel uncomfortable. I mean, can't you just put it aside and enjoy the day? Aren't you grateful? It is Thanksgiving, after all. And what about all the other stuff people tell you tell you to try to make you feel better:

It's God's plan. God will work it out for your good!

You have so much to be thankful for!

He/she would want you to be happy. 

It's time to move on. 

You'll be okay. 

Well, I think I can speak for many of us walking wounded when I say that I. know. all. of. that. I even BELIEVE all of that. But-it doesn't always make me feel better. And you know what? Grief isn't just at the holidays. It's every day of your life in varying levels. And I give all of us who are hurting permission to not pretend we aren't grieving so everyone else can feel better about their holiday. I give you permission to be real and not feel obligated to be okay so others around you can feel better. And you know what else? It doesn't say anything bad about us that we aren't over it yet. 

This entry probably sound pretty angry, but it's not really that angry. Just honest. So...now that I've vented all this, let's be positive. Here are some good thoughts that have helped in my grieving process:

-sometimes you just have to tell yourself, "it's just another day." It's best not to expect for a holiday to be magically awesome if you are already having pretty non-awesome grieving days on at least a semi-regular basis. 

-It's okay to not celebrate if you don't feel like it, but don't isolate. Stay around people who let you be yourself and can handle your feelings. Maybe someone who's not as closely related to the loss but is close enough to be a safe place to lean and rest. 

-You don't have to hold it in. It's okay to cry and not worry about what others think of you. It's normal to cry when you are grieving. It's not really normal to NOT cry when you are hurting. Tears are cleansing and healing. And stop apologizing for crying or being sad. 

-There is a saying that "grief is the price we pay for loving someone." (I'm not sure of the source.)

Even if you feel negative about your loss, try to acknowledge your love for that person and honor the sacredness of your best moments. This may seem like a paradox of feelings, but that's okay. It doesn't have to make sense. You CAN have joy in the pain. You can laugh AND cry. You can be whatever you need to be. And it doesn't matter what others think about it. 

-Last, one of the best things that someone has ever told me about grief is that I control it. It doesn't control me. That is something I don't even fully understand yet, but a great reminder and goal. 

Thanks for letting me share. If you have more suggestions for how to get through the holidays, I'd love to hear them. 

Happy Thanksgiving? 

Holy Sheep!!!

^"Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." 
John 21:7-10

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on retreat. This is a rarity for me these days, and it was in town, so I didn't get a complete break. I checked on my kiddos older kiddos who were at home and had to take breaks to work at my full-time job. But-the parts of it that I got to attend were very nice. The weekend's topic was discipleship. 

I was very tired by the end of the retreat on Sunday, but I had a very refreshing time of soul cleansing through the Sacrament of Reconcilation the night before. I was at peace as much as I could be at the time. Life has been overwhelming for a while. (no complaints, just saying...)

During the closing session that morning, the topic turned to sheep. Dr. Linda Rooney read the scripture from John 21 where Jesus asks Peter three times if he (Peter) loved Him (Jesus).  I'm sure you've heard the story and, depending on your version, Jesus tells Peter in reply to feed and care for His sheep. And that was the question for the morning. Who are my sheep? Who has God asked me to not only feed, but also to care for. There are many ways to feed God's sheep, but she emphasized what it is to have someone in your care; loving them and watching over them until you reach the destination. We listened as she described the role of a shepherd, our job as shepherds of the lambs and sheep of the Lord, and the role of Jesus as our shepherd.

Then, Dr. Rooney said something that I had heard before, but in a new way. In John 7, Jesus says, "I am the sheep gate." She went on to explain that in biblical times and even today in some countries, that a shepherd who is traveling with a flock makes a holding at night for the sheep and lays down in front the opening (or entrance) and acts as the gate. Did you know that?! Well, I didn't! I had never known the meaning of that verse. What a beautiful thought! This may not have stood out to many others in the room, but I am a mother of five. I cannot count how many times when all five of mine were little that I just. needed. a. nap. And was it going to be worth it? What if they quietly burned the house down while I was sleeping? What if they ran away? What if they injured themselves? Or me!

So...when I was desperate for some rest, I would take them all in the playroom, lay them down for their naps, close the door, and lay down in front of the door and SLEEP! As I remembered those days of exhaustion and struggle and trying to love those little people who seemed to want their way more than they wanted mine, I pictured Jesus laying down as the gate. And I pictured myself as one of the sheep inside. And I remembered how many times I tried (and sometimes still do) to get through the gate and leave my Shepherd behind. And I also thought of the many times that a little one of mine had tried to get passed me as I lay sleeping and how much it hurt when they stepped on me or fell on me in their clumsiness. And then I thought of the pain that I caused Jesus when I step on Him, trying to get out on my own and start leading myself.

Come to think of it, even now when my little sheep aren't doing well, I'm trying to be the sheep gate for them instead of letting Jesus be the gate. Have you ever heard the term "there is a God and it's not you?" Well, I keep finding myself at Step 1 again having to "realize I'm not God" and that I am "powerless." And that's really what it is when we try to be the gate. And by that, I just mean trying to take control. Sure, we have a commitment as christians to be discples and feed and care for God's flock. But-make no mistake-we are not God. We are not the gate. And even more importantly, there's a lot at stake when we don't feed and care for God's flock properly. In John 21 at the beginning of this post, it states the all who enter through Jesus will be saved and that the enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy. Lurking outside the flock are always the wolves. 

So the questions remains: Who are the sheep that God has entrusted to us to care for and feed? And are we willing to lay down and take the risk? What do we do if the sheep God gives us reject our care? What if we are hurt? Will we abandon the flock? Are we willing to let Jesus be the shepherd, admit that we are not God, and that we are not able to determine the outcome? Can we give the sheep that over to God's care and control? 

May we all look to the Shepherd and let Him lead us in our path of discipleship. 

^"The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice."
John 21:3-4