I think we are conditioned in our society to believe that holidays are supposed to be special and perfect. So many of us have an ideal holiday in our heads and we put a lot into it as a society. The problem? Everyone you love is supposed to be with you. But that's not the case for so many of us.
And to make it even worse, people don't want you to grieve on holidays. It messes up the obligatory good times. The picture-perfect holidays. It makes people feel uncomfortable. I mean, can't you just put it aside and enjoy the day? Aren't you grateful? It is Thanksgiving, after all. And what about all the other stuff people tell you tell you to try to make you feel better:
It's God's plan. God will work it out for your good!
You have so much to be thankful for!
He/she would want you to be happy.
It's time to move on.
You'll be okay.
Well, I think I can speak for many of us walking wounded when I say that I. know. all. of. that. I even BELIEVE all of that. But-it doesn't always make me feel better. And you know what? Grief isn't just at the holidays. It's every day of your life in varying levels. And I give all of us who are hurting permission to not pretend we aren't grieving so everyone else can feel better about their holiday. I give you permission to be real and not feel obligated to be okay so others around you can feel better. And you know what else? It doesn't say anything bad about us that we aren't over it yet.
This entry probably sound pretty angry, but it's not really that angry. Just honest. So...now that I've vented all this, let's be positive. Here are some good thoughts that have helped in my grieving process:
-sometimes you just have to tell yourself, "it's just another day." It's best not to expect for a holiday to be magically awesome if you are already having pretty non-awesome grieving days on at least a semi-regular basis.
-It's okay to not celebrate if you don't feel like it, but don't isolate. Stay around people who let you be yourself and can handle your feelings. Maybe someone who's not as closely related to the loss but is close enough to be a safe place to lean and rest.
-You don't have to hold it in. It's okay to cry and not worry about what others think of you. It's normal to cry when you are grieving. It's not really normal to NOT cry when you are hurting. Tears are cleansing and healing. And stop apologizing for crying or being sad.
-There is a saying that "grief is the price we pay for loving someone." (I'm not sure of the source.)
Even if you feel negative about your loss, try to acknowledge your love for that person and honor the sacredness of your best moments. This may seem like a paradox of feelings, but that's okay. It doesn't have to make sense. You CAN have joy in the pain. You can laugh AND cry. You can be whatever you need to be. And it doesn't matter what others think about it.
-Last, one of the best things that someone has ever told me about grief is that I control it. It doesn't control me. That is something I don't even fully understand yet, but a great reminder and goal.
Thanks for letting me share. If you have more suggestions for how to get through the holidays, I'd love to hear them.
Happy Thanksgiving?
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