Oh wow, you guys. Wow. Last Wednesday would have been my late husband's 39th birthday and it was a hell of a week. Birthdays and holidays are still pretty hard, but I felt better and stronger than ever this year and I even decided to go on a work trip and not even be with my kids on their dad's birthday. This was a big step for me because, if I've learned nothing else from being the parent of five grieving children, I've learned that I have no control over their grieving process and I often have to put my grieving aside to help them with theirs.
My younger kids seemed pretty shocked that I would EVEN dare not to be with them on their dad's birthday and one of my teenagers starting shutting down a week in advance. This was not going to be uncomplicated. However, I felt that it was important for them to know that it was okay for me to move forward and do. normal. things. More on normal things later. As the strugglers began to struggle and the rememberers became nostalgic, a storm was brewing. In the end, I created a good situation for the kids who were doing okay with everything and the kids who were not okay got to go somewhere with friends who could help them through the hard days. Divide and conquer. The week ended with an emotional explosion and a few days later, here we are-we lived through another holiday and birthday.
So, in honor of the occasion that we are still getting up and living, I decided to write a little on how to help kids grieve. Of course, I am no expert, but having five kids makes me feel like I have a pretty thorough research project on humanity, so here goes:
1) Find a grieving outlet for yourself that is not related to your kids-heck! Talk to some grown-ups even! When you find yourself sinking, call someone. Do it every day until the funk passes. I went to a 12-step group to process and I have a sponsor and accountability team that I can call, regardless of the topic.
2) Don't dump YOUR grief ON your kids. Keep yourself together as much as possible and don't pre-assume that special days are going to be bad. There's a really great scriptures that says to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and weep with those who are weeping. (paraphrase of Romans 12:15). But-my best advice is to live in a way that they feel safe and free to grieve and try to just be ready.
3) If you do have days where you can't control your grieving, that's okay too. Your kids need to see you cry and know that it's okay to be sad if you need to. We aren't doing our kids any favors by pretending to be okay. Jeremiah 6:14 says that you "can't heal a wound by saying it's not there." I have seen my kids who don't like to cry about their dad's passing get angrier and harder the longer they hold it in.
4) We cannot control the grieving process for our kids (or for ourselves). I remember when it first happened-I was trying to schedule my grieving. Can you believe that? I was actually trying to schedule my grieving like I was going to have sessions. I did mean well. I felt like I was going to lose it and I was trying not to go crazy, but that didn't work out and I realized I was just being controlling again. And so it is with our kids, we can't control anything. We can't make them be okay. Or let it out. Or feel better. Or be okay. We are not God. And it makes them feel like they can't share safely when we are controlling and then they are sad about the loss AND angry at us at the same time!
5) Don't assume anything! Don't assume what? Anything!!! I can't stress this enough!!! I know this doesn't directly apply to everyone, but in my situation I have had to accept that I have no idea what it is like to lose a parent during childhood and I don't understand the devastation that comes with that type of loss. And you know what's even more important than that? THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER!!! The poor kids' brains don't even finish forming until they are adults and they have some really weird understandings of how life happens and what everything means. I have gone through seasons of trying to reason with them, only to find out that they didn't even realize everything that happened in the process and they have no idea what I'm talking about.
6) Sometimes you just have to walk away. There are times when I've done all that I can do and I have a kid (or two or three or four) that is sulky, angry, and inconsolable. And I. can't. fix. it. I just can't and it's wrong to pretend like I can or that everything is going to be okay. The truth is that it is not okay. I hope there is a day that all of my kids can feel okay again, but that may be a long time from now and again, I have NO control over that. In those instances, it is okay to give your child space. Not every kids wants a hug, or perspective, or wisdom, or memorial activities. Sometimes our grieving kids just want to be left the hell alone! And that's okay. (she typed with teeth gritted) It's hard, but it's okay.
7) Do normal things. Eat dinner. Take showers. Go to the movies. Do homework. Don't stop living when someone has died. Kids will become emotionally paralyzed if they are allowed to shut down while grieving. Watch something funny. Go outside. They will talk if they want to, but sometimes it's just nice to do things and not talk.
8) Take advantage of grief support programs and counseling. We used to attend a weekly meetings. Now, we go to an annual retreat. All my kids and I have been through therapy and some of us are gearing up for round two. Things get better and then they might be worse again. This is not something that will likely get better and stay perfect. We need to be focused and observant for the times that new issues arise and we need to get more help. It's okay to get help and our kids need to go through that with us.
9) Get involved in service. A couple of years ago my kids and I helped a homeless family for a few days and that led to many more service opportunities. Eventually, this began to transform our family. The kids felt less and less sorry for themselves because of what had happened to them and they started telling me who they thought I should help next. It gave us a new lease on life!
10) It's okay to explode. Give your kids the freedom to throw a fit if they need to. Within limits, when a kid is boiling inside, give them permission to let it out. Maybe even create an activity where they could let out some aggression. Most importantly, since these explosions aren't usually planned, at least be aware that there is life after the explosions and they don't have to be a big deal. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes there has to be consequences to make sure that this doesn't become a way of life and to ensure safety. After last week, I took a step back, didn't say much for the weekend, had my own tantrum in my privacy of my room (completed with crying and punching the bed), and normalcy returned today with hugs and laughter all around.
And you know what? It's okay. All of it. :)
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