Things have been really piling lately. Memories. dirty clothes. bills. commitments. tasks. There are times that I think I'm getting somewhere in life and it seems to never fail-a setback. Someone is in trouble at school. Someone broke everything on the mantle. Someone let the dog out. A fight is happening. No, like right now. As I write this. A fight is happening.
Everyday, in and out, and I feel like I'm the only one who cares sometimes. Sometimes? Okay, honestly, much of the time. Many days feel like me vs. five kids. Just last week, I asked Siri a question on my iPhone and she said, "I didn't understand what you said, 'Harry Buffalo.'" Seriously, these kids don't miss a thing. I can think of more useful ways for them to spend their time than to get my phone to call me ridiculous names-but they can't. They are just being kids and I'm trying to change our lives and build a future.
I've said it to myself a hundred times in my head (not out loud, thankfully), these kids don't care. They don't give a crap about what I'm trying to do. I'm just being honest people. Try not to be offended. But, eventually, I said that to myself so many times that it spurred another thought. What would it take for my kids to care and what would that mean?
I mean, really. First, why don't they care? Because they are kids! Should I really be wishing that my kids care about my stress and burdens in life? It would be nice at times, but what I'd really like is for my kids to just be kids. I mean, isn't that what I'm working so hard for-that our lives can we as good as possible and we don't have to be worried and stressed all the time? And I don't mean that I'm trying to shelter them or creating an unrealistic codependent situation where I suffer and all I want is for them to be happy. Gag. The term "all I want is for my kids to be happy" is a pet peeve of mine. I'm sure it's not always a red flag, but most of the time I hear that saying, people are allowing their kids to do something they, ideally, wouldn't or shouldn't be doing. So, stop worrying about that. We will all be happy and unhappy at times. The goal is not be happy and we will often be unhappy, but doing the right thing. And that's okay.
Anyhoo, back to the subject. Part of the issue with many people like myself who struggle with codependency is that they didn't GET to be kids. I know now that not getting to be a kid when I was supposed to be a kid didn't work out well for me. I made a lot of bad choices because of the pain of not really having much of a childhood and turned to a lot of bad things when I finally got to be an official adult. This was my way of rebelling and covering the pain. Kids need to be kids. There's enough to worry about as a kid in today's troubled generation and hyperactive world, without throwing in the need to be stressed out about how parents are struggling and hurting. This is insanity. I can't control things and I am having unreasonable expectations (aka premeditated resentments). It's time to stop.
So, how do I get out of this place where I feel like my kids don't give a crap? How do I get away from this negative mindset?
-Stop relying on my kids to validate my feelings and provide me emotional support that they don't know how to give. I mean seriously, these kids can't even flush a toilet!
-Reach out to my accountability team and support network who know how to support me and keep me on track with my parenting.
-Take a break. Seriously. Everyone can make it without me for a little while. And i'm not healthy when I don't take breaks. Without breaks, I can't get peace, rest, or perspective.
-Forgive my kids. All the time. And don't just blanket this. Forgive each child by name and give each specific hurt to God. Forgive them in the name of Jesus and find a way to affirm your love for them to God, to yourself, and to each child.
-Cry! Sometimes all I can do is cry. And I don't have to do it in front of my children. But if you do, no judgement here.
-Play! Do you know how much our kids want us to play with us?! It's ridiculous! They actually (usually) want nothing more than that. And playing with kids doesn't have to be expensive. Their favorites games I play are where I mash them like pancakes, I roll over them (aka-steamroller), or when I pretend to be a sleeping monster that tries to use them as pillows. This is a very healing process, actually. Play is a way to connect and WILL relieve a lot of the relationship stress that builds up.
-Love them as the children they are, not as the children I want them to be. We have to let them be little, give them reasonable challenges, and make sure they know they're good enough. Our kids will never please us if we are comparing them to someone they aren't yet. That is not even fair.
-Fall in love again-Write down some happy memories. Watch some videos or look at old pictures. Most importantly, be grateful. There are so many people out there that would love to have children and can't. It is no accident that we have our children. It is God who opens and closes the womb. These children aren't randomly assigned. This is special opportunity and we need to tell them how grateful we are for their gifts and that we get to be their parents.
Well, I could write about this topic all night, but I have to wrestle some kids to bed who are acting like they've never done this before. Love and prayers!
No comments:
Post a Comment