So, what now? In every situational inventory (which is,
basically, what that list of codependent behavior is), I‘ve learned through
friends, programs, and experience, that’s it always most effective to list the
good after the bad. That always leaves me feeling encouraged, hopeful, and
having a better perspective. The inventory should end well and the parenting story
will end well also. So here are some things that I’m working on that are
healthy efforts in the midst of unhealthy behavior:
·
Keeping good boundaries-sometimes I’m on edge
because I’m letting the kids get into my space too much, invade my time, ask
for too much (to which I usually give too much), and I don’t make enough time
for me. When Mom’s happy, everything is better. I’d like to use the rest of the
saying, “then everybody’s happy,” but that’s not always how it works. Having boundaries
also includes not doing things for my kids that they should be doing for
themselves. I do want them to grow up and be able to do things for themselves. (only
ten years to go!)
·
Allowing kids of all ages to experience
consequences-As the book Boundaries
by Cloud and Townsend teaches, consequences grow people up. When I don’t give
consequences for negative behavior or don’t make my children follow through
and/or accept consequences in their lives, I am giving them no reason to change
and develop good behavior. Good consequences for good behavior is important
too.
·
Being consistent-and let me clarify-I don’t mean
PERFECTLY consistent. Perfection is not the goal. The goal is to do my best and
get up every day and act like the woman God is calling me to be. I can’t do
everything, be everything, and catch everything. My consistent efforts send the
message that I’m not quitting, backing down, this is important, and I will not
give up on this process.
·
Making quality time-The latest addition to our
busy schedule is “ten minutes with Mom.” It could be anything from movies to
card games or watching funny Youtube videos and it’s super simple. Our
counselor even advised to give commentary while you are playing games to make
sure that everyone is staying engaged. “oh, you have a yellow five card,” is an
easy example. It’s also a great time to offer encouragement for positive
behavior like, “thanks for not getting mad when you lost that game.” Lately,
one of my teenagers and I haven’t been very fond of each other, but we played
cards anyway and we left the door open. Things are getting better because of
it.
On that last bullet point, let me say something about not being very “fond
of each other.” This is a hard process. Sometimes it good, but sometimes it’s
not good at all. Sometimes good parenting means being the bad guy to my kid and
not backing down. When they were small, it didn’t seem so significant because I
had so much control over what they did. As my kids grow and become more
independent, we have a lot more long periods of not being happy with each
other. This has been sad because I feel like I’m losing some of the most
precious years of their lives while we are at war with each other. However, if I’ve
learned nothing else about healthy decisions, I have learned that people will
often reject me when I choose to do the next right thing instead of giving in
to their unhealthy behavior. I say “people” here because it’s not just kids
that will do this. Sometimes people and kids punish us for not giving in to
their poor, self-serving behavior. That hurts, but it will always pay off in
the end. My kid may not like my choices, but I know when they grow up, they
will see that I loved them and didn’t put my need for them to like me before
their need for me to love them the way they needed to be loved-and that can
mean TOUGH love too.
So…what if it fails? What if I do all this and they still
rebel and turn away from me AND God?
Even if my children choose to reject the good lives and
opportunities they have been given, I will always have the peace of knowing
that I didn’t cause it, enable, perpetuate it, and I don’t have to live my life
in guilt because I helped them fail. And-someday they will run back because
they will know the difference between right and wrong and remember how much God
and I loved them.
And what’s the worst thing that can happen to them? If God
promised that if we raise our children up in the instruction of the Lord, that they
will not depart from it, then should I be worried? If He promises to take everything
that Satan meant for evil and use it for good, shouldn’t I be resting in the
peace that we belong to Jesus and EVERY thing in our lives will be used for our
good? Fear and stress are from the enemy and they should be red flags that tell
me that I need to turn back to God and give my life, my family, and the outcome
to Him over and over again.
And SO WHAT if they make mistakes?! Every person I admire is
a mistake maker and usually someone who has suffered and overcome their circumstances.
God uses those broken overcomers to lead people out of lives of darkness and
into His marvelous light. I’ve never read St. Paul’s beautiful writings and
thought, “his story would mean a lot more to me if he hadn’t murdered all those
people!” How far God brought St. Paul makes his life magnify the power of God
to deliver and set free! And
furthermore, when my world fell apart, it was the adulterers, former
prostitutes, addicts, convicts, rejects, and other lost and found sheep that
God surrounded me by to carry me until I could walk. They loved me
extravagantly and committed themselves to me and my family because someone had
done that for them. Now my family does the same for others.
What have I been doing? I’ve been trying to keep my kids
from being like the people that I admire most!!! This is ridiculous! Of course,
I don’t WANT my kids to make horrible mistakes, but I could be standing in the
way of God’s will for them by trying to hold on to them so tightly. He will
work out their lives for his glory and for the building of the kingdom of God.
He will get them to heaven and that’s the most important thing I should be
hoping for them. The bottom line is that my kids and I can’t have His will for
us until I. Let. Go.
God, forgive me for trying to save my kids from Your plan. Forgive me for not trusting you to do what’s right and best. Give me the grace to love them as you lead them down the good path that You have planned, regardless of how that plan looks.
P.S. If any of my kids are reading this, NO, you cannot have your phones back. Go flush the toilet.
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