Lately, I have really been struggling with the stress of
parenting. It’s hard to pinpoint it to one thing, but here are my “serenity
breakers” in the area of parenting:
·
Kids fighting, bickering, bullying, arguing, and
generally offending one another; which fills the house with strife and ruins
many of the family activities/outings that we attempt. (hey-lets go spend $30
on expensive ice cream so we can all fight in front of the general public!)
·
Kids breaking rules. One of my least favorite: Kids
taking food without asking-yes, I know that sounds stingy of me, but I feel
disrespected when the kids eat things without asking. It makes it difficult to plan
meals ahead. This results in thinking that I have food/ingredients that I don’t
really have and leaves me without what I need for meals and packed lunches. Of
course, I could just run to the store every day. No big deal. Right? Not to
mention that it would be too easy to throw the wrappers, boxes, and half eaten
items in the trash. That’s too cliché? Not daring enough? I really don’t know
why, but it’s APPARENTLY way easier to discard all those sticky and/or greasy
decorations under furniture, in laundry baskets, behind the toilet, or ANYWHERE
that would result in me transforming into a deranged lunatic when I find it.
Why am I going into to such detail with this? Because I want you to understand
that this makes me ABSOLUTELY INSANE! We can also add to the rule-breaking
category: lying, peeing on the toilet seat, cleaning out the guinea pig cage
and leaving the scat bag in some surprise location in the house, not flushing,
leaving the back door open with the air on, leaving the deep freeze wide open in
the summer, having a knife fight (not kidding), and hiding dirty socks and
underwear (and all other dirty clothing) in the clean laundry baskets, inside
furniture, the front yard, and various other locations. This is not the whole
list, but I’m getting angrier as I type. I’ll stop there.
·
Kids making bad choices that could take them
down on the wrong road in life or lead to addictions and major problems. How do
I know that this could happen? Because I feel the pain of the some of the
choices I made when I was their age every. day. of. my. life. No kidding. EVERY
day. I’m mostly talking about my teenagers for this part.
Let me be the first to throw it out there that I’m not good
at this phase of parenting. I’m not good at watching them grow up. I’m not good
at looking at them and seeing them so grown up and not crying about the babies
that I miss. I’m not good at the process of letting them go-especially when I
see them messing up all the possibilities for good stuff later in life.
How do I know that they are messing up all those fantastic
possibilities? Easy. I DON’T. And I have become totally consumed by a war
against my children and their bad choices which I have hoped will result in
their victory over all these things. And guess what? It’s driving me insane.
So-the other day, I made an inventory of “my part” of this situation. Not just
my part of their problems, but my part of ME not being in the right place
mentally, having healthy thoughts, and managing my stress well. Here’s what I
listed as “my part:”
·
When the kids are at their worst, I’ve usually
deteriorated into break-down mode by then, which includes crying often,
overeating, underactivity, disengagement, discouragement, and distraction. At
that point, I’m usually just hoping that I can lecture them enough to get them
to change, but I’m not really doing much good to divert, give vision, and keep
them moving forward and engaged. It’s kind of like I’m protesting and acting
like a well…you know…kid.
·
In regards to my stress level, I have fallen
into some recovery issues, which I will call general codependency. Here are
some codependent traits (from various 12 step book, AA/Al-Anon materials, and
personal experience) which are affecting my state of mind:
o
Magical thinking-this is a very common trait for
codependent people where they live in a fantasy world, imagining the attainment
of perfection, being loved and needed, loving and giving your all for others,
and imagining that things will somehow all end up okay. This is NOT reality and
I can set myself up for some big smacks in the face when my wishbone is where
my backbone should be.
o
Unrealistic expectations-there is a great
12-step-ism that says that “unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated
resentments.” This is so true. I learned how to stop having unrealistic
expectations of addicts, but it’s always much harder for me to utilize what I
have learned about enabling addicts to my kids. My kids not only have the
regular issues that come with being a kid, but they also lived in an alcoholic
home for most of their lives, followed by the death of their dad. There are a
lot of issues to work on and I am so afraid to lose this war that I have
stopped choosing battles and started fighting everything. EVERYTHING. This,
too, is insanity.
o
Pride & Perfectionism-When my kids were
younger I was a VERY angry parent. I rode them constantly and punished harshly.
I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I couldn’t stop. It was all I had ever
known. It poured out of me and, as much as I hated myself for it, I could NOT
stop. I tried lots of methods of getting rid of my anger, but it wasn’t until I
realized WHY I was so angry that I could do something lasting about it. I
couldn’t blame it on my parents anymore and it wasn’t the kids’ faults. One
night in a small group sharing time, I realized that it all came down to pride
and perfection. I was trying to be perfect so I could be worthy of love and
acceptance and I needed my kids to be perfect too. It was a sobering
realization. I could picture all the times that I had been so hard on them-and
all for the sake of MY perfection.
o
Self-destructive behaviors-When I was a teenager
and early young adult, if I was stressed out (or not) I would have gotten
drunk, high, and thrown a party. End of story. Dunzo. When I left that life
behind me, I switched to food, wasting money, procrastination, isolation, and
other habits that show my passive aggression, self-rejection, self-punishment,
and general non-acceptance and dissatisfaction for life. It is difficult to
manage kids when I’m living in this painful place of self-destructive
behaviors. There are many times that I
am being hard on my kids for their behavior, knowing fully that I wouldn’t be
so mad at them if I weren’t so mad at myself for my own behavior. I’m not going
to beat myself up about this right now. I’m just going to give it to Jesus, my
higher power, and ask Him to help me.
o
Playing God-The first step of recovery if to
realize that I’m not God. What? I have NEVER thought I was God! I mean just
because I think that I can save someone…fix their problems… determine the
outcome of their lives…give them the answers that would change them…I
mean…aren’t I responsible for how they turn out? I’m not? Oh, okay. Well…crap.
This was a really painful one for me. My sponsor finally had to tell me,
“Susej, you stop trying to play God. You can’t control how your kids respond to
their dad’s death. You can’t control any of this.” I guess knowing is half the
battle, but it’s still hard to not fall back into that. Either way, it doesn’t
work, so I’m trying to stop going down that street all together.
To be continued…
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