Things have been really piling lately. Memories. dirty clothes. bills. commitments. tasks. There are times that I think I'm getting somewhere in life and it seems to never fail-a setback. Someone is in trouble at school. Someone broke everything on the mantle. Someone let the dog out. A fight is happening. No, like right now. As I write this. A fight is happening.
Everyday, in and out, and I feel like I'm the only one who cares sometimes. Sometimes? Okay, honestly, much of the time. Many days feel like me vs. five kids. Just last week, I asked Siri a question on my iPhone and she said, "I didn't understand what you said, 'Harry Buffalo.'" Seriously, these kids don't miss a thing. I can think of more useful ways for them to spend their time than to get my phone to call me ridiculous names-but they can't. They are just being kids and I'm trying to change our lives and build a future.
I've said it to myself a hundred times in my head (not out loud, thankfully), these kids don't care. They don't give a crap about what I'm trying to do. I'm just being honest people. Try not to be offended. But, eventually, I said that to myself so many times that it spurred another thought. What would it take for my kids to care and what would that mean?
I mean, really. First, why don't they care? Because they are kids! Should I really be wishing that my kids care about my stress and burdens in life? It would be nice at times, but what I'd really like is for my kids to just be kids. I mean, isn't that what I'm working so hard for-that our lives can we as good as possible and we don't have to be worried and stressed all the time? And I don't mean that I'm trying to shelter them or creating an unrealistic codependent situation where I suffer and all I want is for them to be happy. Gag. The term "all I want is for my kids to be happy" is a pet peeve of mine. I'm sure it's not always a red flag, but most of the time I hear that saying, people are allowing their kids to do something they, ideally, wouldn't or shouldn't be doing. So, stop worrying about that. We will all be happy and unhappy at times. The goal is not be happy and we will often be unhappy, but doing the right thing. And that's okay.
Anyhoo, back to the subject. Part of the issue with many people like myself who struggle with codependency is that they didn't GET to be kids. I know now that not getting to be a kid when I was supposed to be a kid didn't work out well for me. I made a lot of bad choices because of the pain of not really having much of a childhood and turned to a lot of bad things when I finally got to be an official adult. This was my way of rebelling and covering the pain. Kids need to be kids. There's enough to worry about as a kid in today's troubled generation and hyperactive world, without throwing in the need to be stressed out about how parents are struggling and hurting. This is insanity. I can't control things and I am having unreasonable expectations (aka premeditated resentments). It's time to stop.
So, how do I get out of this place where I feel like my kids don't give a crap? How do I get away from this negative mindset?
-Stop relying on my kids to validate my feelings and provide me emotional support that they don't know how to give. I mean seriously, these kids can't even flush a toilet!
-Reach out to my accountability team and support network who know how to support me and keep me on track with my parenting.
-Take a break. Seriously. Everyone can make it without me for a little while. And i'm not healthy when I don't take breaks. Without breaks, I can't get peace, rest, or perspective.
-Forgive my kids. All the time. And don't just blanket this. Forgive each child by name and give each specific hurt to God. Forgive them in the name of Jesus and find a way to affirm your love for them to God, to yourself, and to each child.
-Cry! Sometimes all I can do is cry. And I don't have to do it in front of my children. But if you do, no judgement here.
-Play! Do you know how much our kids want us to play with us?! It's ridiculous! They actually (usually) want nothing more than that. And playing with kids doesn't have to be expensive. Their favorites games I play are where I mash them like pancakes, I roll over them (aka-steamroller), or when I pretend to be a sleeping monster that tries to use them as pillows. This is a very healing process, actually. Play is a way to connect and WILL relieve a lot of the relationship stress that builds up.
-Love them as the children they are, not as the children I want them to be. We have to let them be little, give them reasonable challenges, and make sure they know they're good enough. Our kids will never please us if we are comparing them to someone they aren't yet. That is not even fair.
-Fall in love again-Write down some happy memories. Watch some videos or look at old pictures. Most importantly, be grateful. There are so many people out there that would love to have children and can't. It is no accident that we have our children. It is God who opens and closes the womb. These children aren't randomly assigned. This is special opportunity and we need to tell them how grateful we are for their gifts and that we get to be their parents.
Well, I could write about this topic all night, but I have to wrestle some kids to bed who are acting like they've never done this before. Love and prayers!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Helping Your Kids Grieve
Oh wow, you guys. Wow. Last Wednesday would have been my late husband's 39th birthday and it was a hell of a week. Birthdays and holidays are still pretty hard, but I felt better and stronger than ever this year and I even decided to go on a work trip and not even be with my kids on their dad's birthday. This was a big step for me because, if I've learned nothing else from being the parent of five grieving children, I've learned that I have no control over their grieving process and I often have to put my grieving aside to help them with theirs.
My younger kids seemed pretty shocked that I would EVEN dare not to be with them on their dad's birthday and one of my teenagers starting shutting down a week in advance. This was not going to be uncomplicated. However, I felt that it was important for them to know that it was okay for me to move forward and do. normal. things. More on normal things later. As the strugglers began to struggle and the rememberers became nostalgic, a storm was brewing. In the end, I created a good situation for the kids who were doing okay with everything and the kids who were not okay got to go somewhere with friends who could help them through the hard days. Divide and conquer. The week ended with an emotional explosion and a few days later, here we are-we lived through another holiday and birthday.
So, in honor of the occasion that we are still getting up and living, I decided to write a little on how to help kids grieve. Of course, I am no expert, but having five kids makes me feel like I have a pretty thorough research project on humanity, so here goes:
1) Find a grieving outlet for yourself that is not related to your kids-heck! Talk to some grown-ups even! When you find yourself sinking, call someone. Do it every day until the funk passes. I went to a 12-step group to process and I have a sponsor and accountability team that I can call, regardless of the topic.
2) Don't dump YOUR grief ON your kids. Keep yourself together as much as possible and don't pre-assume that special days are going to be bad. There's a really great scriptures that says to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and weep with those who are weeping. (paraphrase of Romans 12:15). But-my best advice is to live in a way that they feel safe and free to grieve and try to just be ready.
3) If you do have days where you can't control your grieving, that's okay too. Your kids need to see you cry and know that it's okay to be sad if you need to. We aren't doing our kids any favors by pretending to be okay. Jeremiah 6:14 says that you "can't heal a wound by saying it's not there." I have seen my kids who don't like to cry about their dad's passing get angrier and harder the longer they hold it in.
4) We cannot control the grieving process for our kids (or for ourselves). I remember when it first happened-I was trying to schedule my grieving. Can you believe that? I was actually trying to schedule my grieving like I was going to have sessions. I did mean well. I felt like I was going to lose it and I was trying not to go crazy, but that didn't work out and I realized I was just being controlling again. And so it is with our kids, we can't control anything. We can't make them be okay. Or let it out. Or feel better. Or be okay. We are not God. And it makes them feel like they can't share safely when we are controlling and then they are sad about the loss AND angry at us at the same time!
5) Don't assume anything! Don't assume what? Anything!!! I can't stress this enough!!! I know this doesn't directly apply to everyone, but in my situation I have had to accept that I have no idea what it is like to lose a parent during childhood and I don't understand the devastation that comes with that type of loss. And you know what's even more important than that? THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER!!! The poor kids' brains don't even finish forming until they are adults and they have some really weird understandings of how life happens and what everything means. I have gone through seasons of trying to reason with them, only to find out that they didn't even realize everything that happened in the process and they have no idea what I'm talking about.
6) Sometimes you just have to walk away. There are times when I've done all that I can do and I have a kid (or two or three or four) that is sulky, angry, and inconsolable. And I. can't. fix. it. I just can't and it's wrong to pretend like I can or that everything is going to be okay. The truth is that it is not okay. I hope there is a day that all of my kids can feel okay again, but that may be a long time from now and again, I have NO control over that. In those instances, it is okay to give your child space. Not every kids wants a hug, or perspective, or wisdom, or memorial activities. Sometimes our grieving kids just want to be left the hell alone! And that's okay. (she typed with teeth gritted) It's hard, but it's okay.
7) Do normal things. Eat dinner. Take showers. Go to the movies. Do homework. Don't stop living when someone has died. Kids will become emotionally paralyzed if they are allowed to shut down while grieving. Watch something funny. Go outside. They will talk if they want to, but sometimes it's just nice to do things and not talk.
8) Take advantage of grief support programs and counseling. We used to attend a weekly meetings. Now, we go to an annual retreat. All my kids and I have been through therapy and some of us are gearing up for round two. Things get better and then they might be worse again. This is not something that will likely get better and stay perfect. We need to be focused and observant for the times that new issues arise and we need to get more help. It's okay to get help and our kids need to go through that with us.
9) Get involved in service. A couple of years ago my kids and I helped a homeless family for a few days and that led to many more service opportunities. Eventually, this began to transform our family. The kids felt less and less sorry for themselves because of what had happened to them and they started telling me who they thought I should help next. It gave us a new lease on life!
10) It's okay to explode. Give your kids the freedom to throw a fit if they need to. Within limits, when a kid is boiling inside, give them permission to let it out. Maybe even create an activity where they could let out some aggression. Most importantly, since these explosions aren't usually planned, at least be aware that there is life after the explosions and they don't have to be a big deal. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes there has to be consequences to make sure that this doesn't become a way of life and to ensure safety. After last week, I took a step back, didn't say much for the weekend, had my own tantrum in my privacy of my room (completed with crying and punching the bed), and normalcy returned today with hugs and laughter all around.
And you know what? It's okay. All of it. :)
My younger kids seemed pretty shocked that I would EVEN dare not to be with them on their dad's birthday and one of my teenagers starting shutting down a week in advance. This was not going to be uncomplicated. However, I felt that it was important for them to know that it was okay for me to move forward and do. normal. things. More on normal things later. As the strugglers began to struggle and the rememberers became nostalgic, a storm was brewing. In the end, I created a good situation for the kids who were doing okay with everything and the kids who were not okay got to go somewhere with friends who could help them through the hard days. Divide and conquer. The week ended with an emotional explosion and a few days later, here we are-we lived through another holiday and birthday.
So, in honor of the occasion that we are still getting up and living, I decided to write a little on how to help kids grieve. Of course, I am no expert, but having five kids makes me feel like I have a pretty thorough research project on humanity, so here goes:
1) Find a grieving outlet for yourself that is not related to your kids-heck! Talk to some grown-ups even! When you find yourself sinking, call someone. Do it every day until the funk passes. I went to a 12-step group to process and I have a sponsor and accountability team that I can call, regardless of the topic.
2) Don't dump YOUR grief ON your kids. Keep yourself together as much as possible and don't pre-assume that special days are going to be bad. There's a really great scriptures that says to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and weep with those who are weeping. (paraphrase of Romans 12:15). But-my best advice is to live in a way that they feel safe and free to grieve and try to just be ready.
3) If you do have days where you can't control your grieving, that's okay too. Your kids need to see you cry and know that it's okay to be sad if you need to. We aren't doing our kids any favors by pretending to be okay. Jeremiah 6:14 says that you "can't heal a wound by saying it's not there." I have seen my kids who don't like to cry about their dad's passing get angrier and harder the longer they hold it in.
4) We cannot control the grieving process for our kids (or for ourselves). I remember when it first happened-I was trying to schedule my grieving. Can you believe that? I was actually trying to schedule my grieving like I was going to have sessions. I did mean well. I felt like I was going to lose it and I was trying not to go crazy, but that didn't work out and I realized I was just being controlling again. And so it is with our kids, we can't control anything. We can't make them be okay. Or let it out. Or feel better. Or be okay. We are not God. And it makes them feel like they can't share safely when we are controlling and then they are sad about the loss AND angry at us at the same time!
5) Don't assume anything! Don't assume what? Anything!!! I can't stress this enough!!! I know this doesn't directly apply to everyone, but in my situation I have had to accept that I have no idea what it is like to lose a parent during childhood and I don't understand the devastation that comes with that type of loss. And you know what's even more important than that? THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER!!! The poor kids' brains don't even finish forming until they are adults and they have some really weird understandings of how life happens and what everything means. I have gone through seasons of trying to reason with them, only to find out that they didn't even realize everything that happened in the process and they have no idea what I'm talking about.
6) Sometimes you just have to walk away. There are times when I've done all that I can do and I have a kid (or two or three or four) that is sulky, angry, and inconsolable. And I. can't. fix. it. I just can't and it's wrong to pretend like I can or that everything is going to be okay. The truth is that it is not okay. I hope there is a day that all of my kids can feel okay again, but that may be a long time from now and again, I have NO control over that. In those instances, it is okay to give your child space. Not every kids wants a hug, or perspective, or wisdom, or memorial activities. Sometimes our grieving kids just want to be left the hell alone! And that's okay. (she typed with teeth gritted) It's hard, but it's okay.
7) Do normal things. Eat dinner. Take showers. Go to the movies. Do homework. Don't stop living when someone has died. Kids will become emotionally paralyzed if they are allowed to shut down while grieving. Watch something funny. Go outside. They will talk if they want to, but sometimes it's just nice to do things and not talk.
8) Take advantage of grief support programs and counseling. We used to attend a weekly meetings. Now, we go to an annual retreat. All my kids and I have been through therapy and some of us are gearing up for round two. Things get better and then they might be worse again. This is not something that will likely get better and stay perfect. We need to be focused and observant for the times that new issues arise and we need to get more help. It's okay to get help and our kids need to go through that with us.
9) Get involved in service. A couple of years ago my kids and I helped a homeless family for a few days and that led to many more service opportunities. Eventually, this began to transform our family. The kids felt less and less sorry for themselves because of what had happened to them and they started telling me who they thought I should help next. It gave us a new lease on life!
10) It's okay to explode. Give your kids the freedom to throw a fit if they need to. Within limits, when a kid is boiling inside, give them permission to let it out. Maybe even create an activity where they could let out some aggression. Most importantly, since these explosions aren't usually planned, at least be aware that there is life after the explosions and they don't have to be a big deal. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes there has to be consequences to make sure that this doesn't become a way of life and to ensure safety. After last week, I took a step back, didn't say much for the weekend, had my own tantrum in my privacy of my room (completed with crying and punching the bed), and normalcy returned today with hugs and laughter all around.
And you know what? It's okay. All of it. :)
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