Good Grief - When Holidays Hurt

Holiday are like a grief magnifying glass for me. I grieve year-round, but it's hardest on holidays (and birthdays). Today was no exception. Kids fighting, Me crying. It's become a new tradition. I wish it wasn't that way, but I'm grieving. And i'm also annoyed.

I think we are conditioned in our society to believe that holidays are supposed to be special and perfect. So many of us have an ideal holiday in our heads and we put a lot into it as a society. The problem? Everyone you love is supposed to be with you. But that's not the case for so many of us.

And to make it even worse, people don't want you to grieve on holidays. It messes up the obligatory good times. The picture-perfect holidays. It makes people feel uncomfortable. I mean, can't you just put it aside and enjoy the day? Aren't you grateful? It is Thanksgiving, after all. And what about all the other stuff people tell you tell you to try to make you feel better:

It's God's plan. God will work it out for your good!

You have so much to be thankful for!

He/she would want you to be happy. 

It's time to move on. 

You'll be okay. 

Well, I think I can speak for many of us walking wounded when I say that I. know. all. of. that. I even BELIEVE all of that. But-it doesn't always make me feel better. And you know what? Grief isn't just at the holidays. It's every day of your life in varying levels. And I give all of us who are hurting permission to not pretend we aren't grieving so everyone else can feel better about their holiday. I give you permission to be real and not feel obligated to be okay so others around you can feel better. And you know what else? It doesn't say anything bad about us that we aren't over it yet. 

This entry probably sound pretty angry, but it's not really that angry. Just honest. So...now that I've vented all this, let's be positive. Here are some good thoughts that have helped in my grieving process:

-sometimes you just have to tell yourself, "it's just another day." It's best not to expect for a holiday to be magically awesome if you are already having pretty non-awesome grieving days on at least a semi-regular basis. 

-It's okay to not celebrate if you don't feel like it, but don't isolate. Stay around people who let you be yourself and can handle your feelings. Maybe someone who's not as closely related to the loss but is close enough to be a safe place to lean and rest. 

-You don't have to hold it in. It's okay to cry and not worry about what others think of you. It's normal to cry when you are grieving. It's not really normal to NOT cry when you are hurting. Tears are cleansing and healing. And stop apologizing for crying or being sad. 

-There is a saying that "grief is the price we pay for loving someone." (I'm not sure of the source.)

Even if you feel negative about your loss, try to acknowledge your love for that person and honor the sacredness of your best moments. This may seem like a paradox of feelings, but that's okay. It doesn't have to make sense. You CAN have joy in the pain. You can laugh AND cry. You can be whatever you need to be. And it doesn't matter what others think about it. 

-Last, one of the best things that someone has ever told me about grief is that I control it. It doesn't control me. That is something I don't even fully understand yet, but a great reminder and goal. 

Thanks for letting me share. If you have more suggestions for how to get through the holidays, I'd love to hear them. 

Happy Thanksgiving? 

Holy Sheep!!!

^"Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." 
John 21:7-10

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on retreat. This is a rarity for me these days, and it was in town, so I didn't get a complete break. I checked on my kiddos older kiddos who were at home and had to take breaks to work at my full-time job. But-the parts of it that I got to attend were very nice. The weekend's topic was discipleship. 

I was very tired by the end of the retreat on Sunday, but I had a very refreshing time of soul cleansing through the Sacrament of Reconcilation the night before. I was at peace as much as I could be at the time. Life has been overwhelming for a while. (no complaints, just saying...)

During the closing session that morning, the topic turned to sheep. Dr. Linda Rooney read the scripture from John 21 where Jesus asks Peter three times if he (Peter) loved Him (Jesus).  I'm sure you've heard the story and, depending on your version, Jesus tells Peter in reply to feed and care for His sheep. And that was the question for the morning. Who are my sheep? Who has God asked me to not only feed, but also to care for. There are many ways to feed God's sheep, but she emphasized what it is to have someone in your care; loving them and watching over them until you reach the destination. We listened as she described the role of a shepherd, our job as shepherds of the lambs and sheep of the Lord, and the role of Jesus as our shepherd.

Then, Dr. Rooney said something that I had heard before, but in a new way. In John 7, Jesus says, "I am the sheep gate." She went on to explain that in biblical times and even today in some countries, that a shepherd who is traveling with a flock makes a holding at night for the sheep and lays down in front the opening (or entrance) and acts as the gate. Did you know that?! Well, I didn't! I had never known the meaning of that verse. What a beautiful thought! This may not have stood out to many others in the room, but I am a mother of five. I cannot count how many times when all five of mine were little that I just. needed. a. nap. And was it going to be worth it? What if they quietly burned the house down while I was sleeping? What if they ran away? What if they injured themselves? Or me!

So...when I was desperate for some rest, I would take them all in the playroom, lay them down for their naps, close the door, and lay down in front of the door and SLEEP! As I remembered those days of exhaustion and struggle and trying to love those little people who seemed to want their way more than they wanted mine, I pictured Jesus laying down as the gate. And I pictured myself as one of the sheep inside. And I remembered how many times I tried (and sometimes still do) to get through the gate and leave my Shepherd behind. And I also thought of the many times that a little one of mine had tried to get passed me as I lay sleeping and how much it hurt when they stepped on me or fell on me in their clumsiness. And then I thought of the pain that I caused Jesus when I step on Him, trying to get out on my own and start leading myself.

Come to think of it, even now when my little sheep aren't doing well, I'm trying to be the sheep gate for them instead of letting Jesus be the gate. Have you ever heard the term "there is a God and it's not you?" Well, I keep finding myself at Step 1 again having to "realize I'm not God" and that I am "powerless." And that's really what it is when we try to be the gate. And by that, I just mean trying to take control. Sure, we have a commitment as christians to be discples and feed and care for God's flock. But-make no mistake-we are not God. We are not the gate. And even more importantly, there's a lot at stake when we don't feed and care for God's flock properly. In John 21 at the beginning of this post, it states the all who enter through Jesus will be saved and that the enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy. Lurking outside the flock are always the wolves. 

So the questions remains: Who are the sheep that God has entrusted to us to care for and feed? And are we willing to lay down and take the risk? What do we do if the sheep God gives us reject our care? What if we are hurt? Will we abandon the flock? Are we willing to let Jesus be the shepherd, admit that we are not God, and that we are not able to determine the outcome? Can we give the sheep that over to God's care and control? 

May we all look to the Shepherd and let Him lead us in our path of discipleship. 

^"The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice."
John 21:3-4



 

I'm a Big Whiner Baby

I'm not gonna lie, folks. I've had a rough week. No complaints, just giving myself permission to not act like everything's okay. BUT- i'm not going to dwell on that right now.

Tonight, I had the great honor of sitting with a survivor of the Rwandan genocide that took place in 1994, when he was 8. years. old. People! As I write this, one of my children is sitting on the couch regretting his life because I took his rock mallet away! Insanity! We don't have ANY real problems.

As I listened to this beautiful man with the big, joyful smile recount the history of his war-torn country and his memories of bodies piled up in the streets, the river, everywhere, it was humbling. I know about suffering. I have seen some hard times compared to some. But-I have never known the kind of suffering this man has endured, losing most of his family, losing everything he had in life, and wearing the machete-slice scars on his head from 20 years ago. The most amazing part is that the same suffering that broke many people he knew and destroyed their faith was the same suffering that made his and his family's faith stronger. The power of redemption. 


As I'm sitting here tonight, I'm listening to my kids annoy the heck out of each other and whine about what the don't have. We are all stressed out from another day of moving and arguing with each other. I'm reminded of one of the most powerful statements I've ever heard at a 12-step meeting:

"Bitterness says 'I didn't get my way in the past.'
Anger says, 'I'm not getting my way now.'
Fear says, 'I might not get my way in the future.'"

I remember the first time I heard that spoken in a meeting. I asked the person to say it again and then I thought, "wow. That's really it. That's really what it all comes down to. I'm such a baby." I can't speak for everyone, but this statement is true for me. I'm bitter because I didn't get my way in the past. I'm angry because I'm not getting my way now. I'm fearful because I might not get my way in the future. Back to Step One.

Stop Worrying About Your Kids-Part Two

So, what now? In every situational inventory (which is, basically, what that list of codependent behavior is), I‘ve learned through friends, programs, and experience, that’s it always most effective to list the good after the bad. That always leaves me feeling encouraged, hopeful, and having a better perspective. The inventory should end well and the parenting story will end well also. So here are some things that I’m working on that are healthy efforts in the midst of unhealthy behavior:

·         Keeping good boundaries-sometimes I’m on edge because I’m letting the kids get into my space too much, invade my time, ask for too much (to which I usually give too much), and I don’t make enough time for me. When Mom’s happy, everything is better. I’d like to use the rest of the saying, “then everybody’s happy,” but that’s not always how it works. Having boundaries also includes not doing things for my kids that they should be doing for themselves. I do want them to grow up and be able to do things for themselves. (only ten years to go!)

·         Allowing kids of all ages to experience consequences-As the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend teaches, consequences grow people up. When I don’t give consequences for negative behavior or don’t make my children follow through and/or accept consequences in their lives, I am giving them no reason to change and develop good behavior. Good consequences for good behavior is important too.

·         Being consistent-and let me clarify-I don’t mean PERFECTLY consistent. Perfection is not the goal. The goal is to do my best and get up every day and act like the woman God is calling me to be. I can’t do everything, be everything, and catch everything. My consistent efforts send the message that I’m not quitting, backing down, this is important, and I will not give up on this process.

·         Making quality time-The latest addition to our busy schedule is “ten minutes with Mom.” It could be anything from movies to card games or watching funny Youtube videos and it’s super simple. Our counselor even advised to give commentary while you are playing games to make sure that everyone is staying engaged. “oh, you have a yellow five card,” is an easy example. It’s also a great time to offer encouragement for positive behavior like, “thanks for not getting mad when you lost that game.” Lately, one of my teenagers and I haven’t been very fond of each other, but we played cards anyway and we left the door open. Things are getting better because of it.  

On that last bullet point, let me say something about not being very “fond of each other.” This is a hard process. Sometimes it good, but sometimes it’s not good at all. Sometimes good parenting means being the bad guy to my kid and not backing down. When they were small, it didn’t seem so significant because I had so much control over what they did. As my kids grow and become more independent, we have a lot more long periods of not being happy with each other. This has been sad because I feel like I’m losing some of the most precious years of their lives while we are at war with each other. However, if I’ve learned nothing else about healthy decisions, I have learned that people will often reject me when I choose to do the next right thing instead of giving in to their unhealthy behavior. I say “people” here because it’s not just kids that will do this. Sometimes people and kids punish us for not giving in to their poor, self-serving behavior. That hurts, but it will always pay off in the end. My kid may not like my choices, but I know when they grow up, they will see that I loved them and didn’t put my need for them to like me before their need for me to love them the way they needed to be loved-and that can mean TOUGH love too.

So…what if it fails? What if I do all this and they still rebel and turn away from me AND God?

Even if my children choose to reject the good lives and opportunities they have been given, I will always have the peace of knowing that I didn’t cause it, enable, perpetuate it, and I don’t have to live my life in guilt because I helped them fail. And-someday they will run back because they will know the difference between right and wrong and remember how much God and I loved them.

And what’s the worst thing that can happen to them? If God promised that if we raise our children up in the instruction of the Lord, that they will not depart from it, then should I be worried? If He promises to take everything that Satan meant for evil and use it for good, shouldn’t I be resting in the peace that we belong to Jesus and EVERY thing in our lives will be used for our good? Fear and stress are from the enemy and they should be red flags that tell me that I need to turn back to God and give my life, my family, and the outcome to Him over and over again.

And SO WHAT if they make mistakes?! Every person I admire is a mistake maker and usually someone who has suffered and overcome their circumstances. God uses those broken overcomers to lead people out of lives of darkness and into His marvelous light. I’ve never read St. Paul’s beautiful writings and thought, “his story would mean a lot more to me if he hadn’t murdered all those people!” How far God brought St. Paul makes his life magnify the power of God to deliver and set free!  And furthermore, when my world fell apart, it was the adulterers, former prostitutes, addicts, convicts, rejects, and other lost and found sheep that God surrounded me by to carry me until I could walk. They loved me extravagantly and committed themselves to me and my family because someone had done that for them. Now my family does the same for others.

What have I been doing? I’ve been trying to keep my kids from being like the people that I admire most!!! This is ridiculous! Of course, I don’t WANT my kids to make horrible mistakes, but I could be standing in the way of God’s will for them by trying to hold on to them so tightly. He will work out their lives for his glory and for the building of the kingdom of God. He will get them to heaven and that’s the most important thing I should be hoping for them. The bottom line is that my kids and I can’t have His will for us until I. Let. Go.

God, forgive me for trying to save my kids from Your plan. Forgive me for not trusting you to do what’s right and best. Give me the grace to love them as you lead them down the good path that You have planned, regardless of how that plan looks. 

P.S. If any of my kids are reading this, NO, you cannot have your phones back. Go flush the toilet.  

Stop Worrying About Your Kids (and other things God has asked me to do that are difficult)

Lately, I have really been struggling with the stress of parenting. It’s hard to pinpoint it to one thing, but here are my “serenity breakers”  in the area of parenting:

·         Kids fighting, bickering, bullying, arguing, and generally offending one another; which fills the house with strife and ruins many of the family activities/outings that we attempt. (hey-lets go spend $30 on expensive ice cream so we can all fight in front of the general public!)

·         Kids breaking rules. One of my least favorite: Kids taking food without asking-yes, I know that sounds stingy of me, but I feel disrespected when the kids eat things without asking. It makes it difficult to plan meals ahead. This results in thinking that I have food/ingredients that I don’t really have and leaves me without what I need for meals and packed lunches. Of course, I could just run to the store every day. No big deal. Right? Not to mention that it would be too easy to throw the wrappers, boxes, and half eaten items in the trash. That’s too cliché? Not daring enough? I really don’t know why, but it’s APPARENTLY way easier to discard all those sticky and/or greasy decorations under furniture, in laundry baskets, behind the toilet, or ANYWHERE that would result in me transforming into a deranged lunatic when I find it. Why am I going into to such detail with this? Because I want you to understand that this makes me ABSOLUTELY INSANE! We can also add to the rule-breaking category: lying, peeing on the toilet seat, cleaning out the guinea pig cage and leaving the scat bag in some surprise location in the house, not flushing, leaving the back door open with the air on, leaving the deep freeze wide open in the summer, having a knife fight (not kidding), and hiding dirty socks and underwear (and all other dirty clothing) in the clean laundry baskets, inside furniture, the front yard, and various other locations. This is not the whole list, but I’m getting angrier as I type. I’ll stop there.

·         Kids making bad choices that could take them down on the wrong road in life or lead to addictions and major problems. How do I know that this could happen? Because I feel the pain of the some of the choices I made when I was their age every. day. of. my. life. No kidding. EVERY day. I’m mostly talking about my teenagers for this part.

Let me be the first to throw it out there that I’m not good at this phase of parenting. I’m not good at watching them grow up. I’m not good at looking at them and seeing them so grown up and not crying about the babies that I miss. I’m not good at the process of letting them go-especially when I see them messing up all the possibilities for good stuff later in life.

How do I know that they are messing up all those fantastic possibilities? Easy. I DON’T. And I have become totally consumed by a war against my children and their bad choices which I have hoped will result in their victory over all these things. And guess what? It’s driving me insane. So-the other day, I made an inventory of “my part” of this situation. Not just my part of their problems, but my part of ME not being in the right place mentally, having healthy thoughts, and managing my stress well. Here’s what I listed as “my part:”

·         When the kids are at their worst, I’ve usually deteriorated into break-down mode by then, which includes crying often, overeating, underactivity, disengagement, discouragement, and distraction. At that point, I’m usually just hoping that I can lecture them enough to get them to change, but I’m not really doing much good to divert, give vision, and keep them moving forward and engaged. It’s kind of like I’m protesting and acting like a well…you know…kid.

·         In regards to my stress level, I have fallen into some recovery issues, which I will call general codependency. Here are some codependent traits (from various 12 step book, AA/Al-Anon materials, and personal experience) which are affecting my state of mind:

o   Magical thinking-this is a very common trait for codependent people where they live in a fantasy world, imagining the attainment of perfection, being loved and needed, loving and giving your all for others, and imagining that things will somehow all end up okay. This is NOT reality and I can set myself up for some big smacks in the face when my wishbone is where my backbone should be.

o   Unrealistic expectations-there is a great 12-step-ism that says that “unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” This is so true. I learned how to stop having unrealistic expectations of addicts, but it’s always much harder for me to utilize what I have learned about enabling addicts to my kids. My kids not only have the regular issues that come with being a kid, but they also lived in an alcoholic home for most of their lives, followed by the death of their dad. There are a lot of issues to work on and I am so afraid to lose this war that I have stopped choosing battles and started fighting everything. EVERYTHING. This, too, is insanity.

o   Pride & Perfectionism-When my kids were younger I was a VERY angry parent. I rode them constantly and punished harshly. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I couldn’t stop. It was all I had ever known. It poured out of me and, as much as I hated myself for it, I could NOT stop. I tried lots of methods of getting rid of my anger, but it wasn’t until I realized WHY I was so angry that I could do something lasting about it. I couldn’t blame it on my parents anymore and it wasn’t the kids’ faults. One night in a small group sharing time, I realized that it all came down to pride and perfection. I was trying to be perfect so I could be worthy of love and acceptance and I needed my kids to be perfect too. It was a sobering realization. I could picture all the times that I had been so hard on them-and all for the sake of MY perfection.

o   Self-destructive behaviors-When I was a teenager and early young adult, if I was stressed out (or not) I would have gotten drunk, high, and thrown a party. End of story. Dunzo. When I left that life behind me, I switched to food, wasting money, procrastination, isolation, and other habits that show my passive aggression, self-rejection, self-punishment, and general non-acceptance and dissatisfaction for life. It is difficult to manage kids when I’m living in this painful place of self-destructive behaviors.  There are many times that I am being hard on my kids for their behavior, knowing fully that I wouldn’t be so mad at them if I weren’t so mad at myself for my own behavior. I’m not going to beat myself up about this right now. I’m just going to give it to Jesus, my higher power, and ask Him to help me.

o   Playing God-The first step of recovery if to realize that I’m not God. What? I have NEVER thought I was God! I mean just because I think that I can save someone…fix their problems… determine the outcome of their lives…give them the answers that would change them…I mean…aren’t I responsible for how they turn out? I’m not? Oh, okay. Well…crap. This was a really painful one for me. My sponsor finally had to tell me, “Susej, you stop trying to play God. You can’t control how your kids respond to their dad’s death. You can’t control any of this.” I guess knowing is half the battle, but it’s still hard to not fall back into that. Either way, it doesn’t work, so I’m trying to stop going down that street all together.

To be continued…

I Hate Bullying

I don't have a lot to say about this post, except that I was recently disrespected by a person that has treated me with disrespect for years. As the bitterness rose up in my throat, the thought occured to me that I have to make a decision. Until this person is no longer a part of my life (which is not an option right now), I have to stop letting it bother me. Am I willing to truly choose to be unoffended for my own sake or am I going to keep letting that person steal my joy and peace?

As I contemplated the negative words that were just spoken over me in front of a group of my peers, I thought of a thousand things I would like to say to and about this seemingly heartless person (which I knew wouldn't make a difference) and I began to write some thoughts down as I listened to this person talk. (It was all I could do to keep from losing it. I wrote until the feelings subsided.) At the same time, in between each line I wrote, I was inspired to focus on how loved I am by God and others. Suddenly it became a powerful moment in my life. I felt serenity in the face of apathy and disregard. I felt dignity in the face of discredit and accusation. This person was trying to take away my power and us it as their own (which is at heart of EVERY bullying situation), and God reminded me that HE is the source of my power. I felt the reality of the Psalm 23 scripture:

"You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows." (vs. 5)

In the future, I hope that my security and peace from my Higher Power will grow to the extent that I am not only able to think of how much God loves ME in these types of situations, but also to think of how much God loves the bully.

That's all for now. Be at peace. Below is what I wrote on my notepad. It helped me. What helps you?

"I look only to You.
I praise You above all things.
NO man or his foolish words can have power over me.
You are the only one I see.
There is nothing that can touch me. Nothing can hinder me.
Only a small person would try to destroy his brothers and sisters.
Only a weakling would try to steal power from another.
You are my shepherd, my joy, my lover, my friend.
My heart longs to connect to yours and ascend.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
I need nothing from this world and its unjust rulers.
They cannot steal my joy."

P.S.-I had two page views from Poland. I LOVE Poland!

On Parenting and Silver Linings

It's been a rough week with the kiddos and I felt inspired to look for the silver linings in raising my kids-and feeling convicted that I don't do that more often. Sometimes I feel discouraged and realize (face palm) that I need to look at things with a different perspective; to be grateful about anything I can find.

When I'm struggling with my parenting, I think I'm looking at things on the surface. Then, God reminds me that I have to go DEEPER. Also, I think it's all too common that I don't think of my kids as being very deep (I can't imagine why LOL). However, they ARE deep, spiritual, and beautiful individuals that just don't know how to verbalize all that yet. So...I made a list. Here goes:

1) If my kids are bothering me...
They love me! They want to be with me! They want me to put my phone down and have fun...while they are still young. I miss so much and the years are passing by quickly.

2) If my kids tell me they hate me...
They feel safe to tell me that. They are releasing feelings (which aren't really "hate" anyway-just SO powerful and confusing) that they can't express any other way and they feel safe to release the worst feelings they have to me. That also tells me that they believe I can handle it and that I will still love them. (It’s been a long time on this one, but I just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone else is dealing with that.) So, when you're kid says they hate you, it's kind of a compliment-you know...tell yourself that...through the tears.

3) If my kids are dangerous, daring, and unafraid...
They might be heroes some day! When other people are standing back with trepidation, they will be running in and saving lives. They might be firefighters, police officers, mountain climbers, or something less dramatic, maybe? They might find a way to lead others where they might not go themselves. They will be courageous and not back down from what might intimidate less courageous people! (At least that's what I'm hoping.)

4) If my kids struggle with their faith...
They are SEARCHING! And what's even better-they aren't just imitating my faith. This is a tough one, you guys, but I think some kids need more freedom to question and find their own way. And more important-without. fear. of. rejection. They need to be loved regardless of what they believe!

5) If my kids are mad at me...
Sometimes that just means I'm a jerk. True story. But-sometimes it means that I'm making decisions for their own good. Even if they don't like those decisions! Rumor has it that they might thank me later. I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and guess that it will be MUCH later. As much as I'd like to think that good parenting will result in children that think I'm awesome, sometimes the only reward I will see TODAY is the peace that I did the next right thing for them. Whether they like it or not!

6) If I'm tired...
That means we fit in a lot of living in today. We worked hard. We played hard. And we loved a lot. And it may not have felt very loving, but that IS love. It's not always easy. Or pretty. Or fun. Sometimes it's just living, working, sacrificing, arguing, making up, etc. That's good stuff you guys. Being a parent and being a kid ain't always easy, but it's one of the most important relationships in the world-and we don't quit because it's hard and we are tired. Has anyone ever told you that you don't stop fighting a gorilla when you're tired? You stop when the gorilla is tired!

So...Parenting. The marathon that feels like it will never end. But it does. And I don't want to waste another moment. And it does pay off. I see glimpses of it from time to time. Beautiful moments. Brief insights into the people they are becoming. Tiny moments that I know are linked directly to the eternal. This is what the kingdom of God is made of.

If you have any silver linings, I'd love to hear them.