I'm a Big Whiner Baby

I'm not gonna lie, folks. I've had a rough week. No complaints, just giving myself permission to not act like everything's okay. BUT- i'm not going to dwell on that right now.

Tonight, I had the great honor of sitting with a survivor of the Rwandan genocide that took place in 1994, when he was 8. years. old. People! As I write this, one of my children is sitting on the couch regretting his life because I took his rock mallet away! Insanity! We don't have ANY real problems.

As I listened to this beautiful man with the big, joyful smile recount the history of his war-torn country and his memories of bodies piled up in the streets, the river, everywhere, it was humbling. I know about suffering. I have seen some hard times compared to some. But-I have never known the kind of suffering this man has endured, losing most of his family, losing everything he had in life, and wearing the machete-slice scars on his head from 20 years ago. The most amazing part is that the same suffering that broke many people he knew and destroyed their faith was the same suffering that made his and his family's faith stronger. The power of redemption. 


As I'm sitting here tonight, I'm listening to my kids annoy the heck out of each other and whine about what the don't have. We are all stressed out from another day of moving and arguing with each other. I'm reminded of one of the most powerful statements I've ever heard at a 12-step meeting:

"Bitterness says 'I didn't get my way in the past.'
Anger says, 'I'm not getting my way now.'
Fear says, 'I might not get my way in the future.'"

I remember the first time I heard that spoken in a meeting. I asked the person to say it again and then I thought, "wow. That's really it. That's really what it all comes down to. I'm such a baby." I can't speak for everyone, but this statement is true for me. I'm bitter because I didn't get my way in the past. I'm angry because I'm not getting my way now. I'm fearful because I might not get my way in the future. Back to Step One.

Stop Worrying About Your Kids-Part Two

So, what now? In every situational inventory (which is, basically, what that list of codependent behavior is), I‘ve learned through friends, programs, and experience, that’s it always most effective to list the good after the bad. That always leaves me feeling encouraged, hopeful, and having a better perspective. The inventory should end well and the parenting story will end well also. So here are some things that I’m working on that are healthy efforts in the midst of unhealthy behavior:

·         Keeping good boundaries-sometimes I’m on edge because I’m letting the kids get into my space too much, invade my time, ask for too much (to which I usually give too much), and I don’t make enough time for me. When Mom’s happy, everything is better. I’d like to use the rest of the saying, “then everybody’s happy,” but that’s not always how it works. Having boundaries also includes not doing things for my kids that they should be doing for themselves. I do want them to grow up and be able to do things for themselves. (only ten years to go!)

·         Allowing kids of all ages to experience consequences-As the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend teaches, consequences grow people up. When I don’t give consequences for negative behavior or don’t make my children follow through and/or accept consequences in their lives, I am giving them no reason to change and develop good behavior. Good consequences for good behavior is important too.

·         Being consistent-and let me clarify-I don’t mean PERFECTLY consistent. Perfection is not the goal. The goal is to do my best and get up every day and act like the woman God is calling me to be. I can’t do everything, be everything, and catch everything. My consistent efforts send the message that I’m not quitting, backing down, this is important, and I will not give up on this process.

·         Making quality time-The latest addition to our busy schedule is “ten minutes with Mom.” It could be anything from movies to card games or watching funny Youtube videos and it’s super simple. Our counselor even advised to give commentary while you are playing games to make sure that everyone is staying engaged. “oh, you have a yellow five card,” is an easy example. It’s also a great time to offer encouragement for positive behavior like, “thanks for not getting mad when you lost that game.” Lately, one of my teenagers and I haven’t been very fond of each other, but we played cards anyway and we left the door open. Things are getting better because of it.  

On that last bullet point, let me say something about not being very “fond of each other.” This is a hard process. Sometimes it good, but sometimes it’s not good at all. Sometimes good parenting means being the bad guy to my kid and not backing down. When they were small, it didn’t seem so significant because I had so much control over what they did. As my kids grow and become more independent, we have a lot more long periods of not being happy with each other. This has been sad because I feel like I’m losing some of the most precious years of their lives while we are at war with each other. However, if I’ve learned nothing else about healthy decisions, I have learned that people will often reject me when I choose to do the next right thing instead of giving in to their unhealthy behavior. I say “people” here because it’s not just kids that will do this. Sometimes people and kids punish us for not giving in to their poor, self-serving behavior. That hurts, but it will always pay off in the end. My kid may not like my choices, but I know when they grow up, they will see that I loved them and didn’t put my need for them to like me before their need for me to love them the way they needed to be loved-and that can mean TOUGH love too.

So…what if it fails? What if I do all this and they still rebel and turn away from me AND God?

Even if my children choose to reject the good lives and opportunities they have been given, I will always have the peace of knowing that I didn’t cause it, enable, perpetuate it, and I don’t have to live my life in guilt because I helped them fail. And-someday they will run back because they will know the difference between right and wrong and remember how much God and I loved them.

And what’s the worst thing that can happen to them? If God promised that if we raise our children up in the instruction of the Lord, that they will not depart from it, then should I be worried? If He promises to take everything that Satan meant for evil and use it for good, shouldn’t I be resting in the peace that we belong to Jesus and EVERY thing in our lives will be used for our good? Fear and stress are from the enemy and they should be red flags that tell me that I need to turn back to God and give my life, my family, and the outcome to Him over and over again.

And SO WHAT if they make mistakes?! Every person I admire is a mistake maker and usually someone who has suffered and overcome their circumstances. God uses those broken overcomers to lead people out of lives of darkness and into His marvelous light. I’ve never read St. Paul’s beautiful writings and thought, “his story would mean a lot more to me if he hadn’t murdered all those people!” How far God brought St. Paul makes his life magnify the power of God to deliver and set free!  And furthermore, when my world fell apart, it was the adulterers, former prostitutes, addicts, convicts, rejects, and other lost and found sheep that God surrounded me by to carry me until I could walk. They loved me extravagantly and committed themselves to me and my family because someone had done that for them. Now my family does the same for others.

What have I been doing? I’ve been trying to keep my kids from being like the people that I admire most!!! This is ridiculous! Of course, I don’t WANT my kids to make horrible mistakes, but I could be standing in the way of God’s will for them by trying to hold on to them so tightly. He will work out their lives for his glory and for the building of the kingdom of God. He will get them to heaven and that’s the most important thing I should be hoping for them. The bottom line is that my kids and I can’t have His will for us until I. Let. Go.

God, forgive me for trying to save my kids from Your plan. Forgive me for not trusting you to do what’s right and best. Give me the grace to love them as you lead them down the good path that You have planned, regardless of how that plan looks. 

P.S. If any of my kids are reading this, NO, you cannot have your phones back. Go flush the toilet.  

Washing Your Hair in a Mental Hospital Bathroom

My life is a lot different since I became a mom over 14 years ago. When I was younger, I imagined being a perfect mom, with a perfect marriage, and perfect kids. I started out in 1998 as a natural mom who was going to give birth at home and live off of beans and rice, if that's what it took to stay home with my kids. I wanted a big family and I got it. We had five kids in eight years and I have been pregnant for about four years of my life. (Yes, I l know how that happens and yes, know it's a uterus-not a clown car). I tried for many years to be a perfect mom and have a normal life and I have yet to achieve either.

Fast forward to 2013 and my kids are 14, 12, 9, 8, and 6. I am a widow (divorced, but he has passed-we were still married in the Church). I'm about to have a high school student that occasionally reminds me of the reasons why animals eat their young. I have a tween-age girl and that is a lot harder so far than I EVER imagined. I work full-time, go to school part-time, and feel like I'm aging double-time.

I am slowly trying to let go of normal and perfect. It's pretty stressful and a futile struggle. Although, it CAN be pretty hilarious sometimes when I get in the mode of trying to be all things to all people- you know...after my rage and insanity passes. I recently had a day where I had at least 15 items on the to-do list which included lots of running around with four of the fab five in tow. It was a rough day: fighting, shopping, striking peace accords, begging God for mercy. I was also looking for an outfit for a wedding (that I never made it to) and I though how nice it would be to color my hair. I had been letting my gray grow out for several months as an experiment to see how gray it looks-REALLY gray, turns out. (I blame those kids.) So, I'm coloring my hair for the first time with good color that you paint on and I'm having to redirect, referee, penalize, and holler the whole time. The next thing I realize, I have to be where I'm going next in six minutes. I have two choices: have half a head of dyed hair or keep the hair dye hair on to go visit my friend in a mental health facility. Having no good options to chose from, I opted for the one that would be humiliating for the least amount of time. I put my stinky hair in a bun, put a dark bath towel around my neck, covered it with a scarf, and headed out the door.

When I arrived at my destination, I met my friend who looked very surprised to see me in such a frazzled state and he immediately noticed my new disturbing odor. When my 35 minutes of shame were up, I excused myself to the facilities. I avoided eye contact, made a beeline into a stall, and proceeded to pretend to use the bathroom until it was empty. I walked out of the stall to wash my hair in the sink. Here we go. All or nothing. What I had not thought of before this time was that it was an automatic sink and that there would be no hot water. It just got better and better. While I was playing head tag with the automatic sink I wondered if I should cry, laugh, or just absolutely lose my mind. I was in a mental facility. I would fit right in. Right?

Instead of asking for some medication and a straight jacket I chose to focus on flexibility, being merciful to myself, and making a resolution to plan better next time. Sometimes I feel really sorry for myself because I'm so busy all the time with the demands of single parenting five kids. I wanted the big family, but I never thought I would do it alone. But-my family is beautiful, funny, talented, an adventure, and the most important thing I will ever do or have on this side of eternity; and I'm their only parent. If that's not enough for me, then I'm being unfocused on my vocation, selfish, and ungrateful. Being a mom has changed me, challenged me, and refined me. It is one of the greatest sacrifices a woman can make and I'm working on enjoying the gifts, blessings, and time we have together instead of tolerating it and wishing for more or better. Today, I will stare at them. Hold them and press my cheek against theirs and drink them in. I will laugh. I might cry. I will definitely pray. And I will try not to lose it. But I will. not. miss. a. thing.

There was a time period when they were all smaller and I thought I wasn't going to make it. What was I thinking? But, that passed as I saw them becoming such beautiful people with so many hidden treasures and qualities tha I couldn't see when they were younger. Love and prayers to all the wonderful moms out there-especially of large broods-in whatever state your kids have left you. The following is a quiz I was thinking of using to tell if your a mom of a big family.

How you know you have a lot of kids:
1. You haven't had all of your laundry simultaneously washed, dry, folded, and put away for five years or more.
2. If you've ever had a sore arm and realized you have spanker's elbow.
3. If you have to get to event early for fear that there won't be enough seats together.
4. If you sit or stand in the foyer at most events because you can't ever get there on time.
5. If you buy your toilet paper by the case.
6. If you can't remember the last time you saw a flushed toilet.
7. When you remember the good old days when you used to shower or bathe every day.
8. If you cross your legs when you sneeze.
9. If your two tired to put ten items on this list. Seriously, I'm going to bed now. I may even take a shower.

Your assignment:
Send me some additions to the list! It'll be fun!

Being Careful What You Ask For

At my job, something I've been wishing could happen for the last couple of years is finally happening. I don't know...maybe the stars aligned, maybe not breaking the chain mail worked, or perhaps I just gestured a little differently when I asked this time, but we are finally getting an area enclosed for storage/workspace. It's the little things, right?
Well, anyway, I've been really excited about the nice little benefits that this room will provide and the process is happening months sooner than I expected (which is a miracle where I work.) I've been pleased to see the old things slowly moving out and the new building materials stacking up. So, here's something I hadn't thought of: my office wall is on the other side of this new remodeling process. All of a sudden, I began to hear horribly loud construction sounds and one of my co-workers said, "so, I guess this is what it's going to sound like around here for a while."
I was suddenly struck with dread and asked myself why I didn't think of all the noise and chaos that was going to accompany this new endeavor. I wondered if I would've even asked for the new room if I had thought of how hard it was going to be to put up with the upheaval and discomfort that it would cause me for an unspecified time period. And then-It. Hit. Me.
Isn't that the way I live my whole life? I pray for things that I know are good and I imagine what I think the best plan is-and SURELY that must be God's plan too, right? Because its good!
I am grateful for and humbled by this smack-in-the-face revelation that I want things because I think they're the best, and that's okay sometimes, but that I'm not being open to God's will.
A good friend of mine recently told me that I need to pray for God's mercy and focus less on what I can do to remedy certain situations in my life. It reminded me of one of my favorite things I have learned in my 12 step programs/readings about asking God (my higher power) to do for me what I cannot do for myself. I need to learn to stop trying to be God and control things that are out of my control. I can change some things. I have to accept things I cannot change. I have to submit to a higher power to gain the wisdom to know the difference.
If I could have built the new in my office I would have, but that's not a skill that I possess. If I had that skill I would have built it Myself.
I have also had much work and remodeling in my life and spiritual house needing to be done for years. I have come to realize that I can't fix or control most of that either. Much like my request for the new room, I have prayed for years for God to work on my life and situations and people in my life. And here I am, having asked for things that I couldn't do for myself, thinking I knew the best way for the work to get done, and wishing it wasn't so loud, chaotic, painful, scary, perfect, etc.
So, today I choose to be grateful for the builder. Grateful that he has the skill. That he has the plans. That, even though the building process may be hard to deal with, it will be good. Because the builder loves me and I love Him. Not the builder at my office. That would be creepy. You know what I mean...it's getting really late.