Good Grief - When Holidays Hurt

Holiday are like a grief magnifying glass for me. I grieve year-round, but it's hardest on holidays (and birthdays). Today was no exception. Kids fighting, Me crying. It's become a new tradition. I wish it wasn't that way, but I'm grieving. And i'm also annoyed.

I think we are conditioned in our society to believe that holidays are supposed to be special and perfect. So many of us have an ideal holiday in our heads and we put a lot into it as a society. The problem? Everyone you love is supposed to be with you. But that's not the case for so many of us.

And to make it even worse, people don't want you to grieve on holidays. It messes up the obligatory good times. The picture-perfect holidays. It makes people feel uncomfortable. I mean, can't you just put it aside and enjoy the day? Aren't you grateful? It is Thanksgiving, after all. And what about all the other stuff people tell you tell you to try to make you feel better:

It's God's plan. God will work it out for your good!

You have so much to be thankful for!

He/she would want you to be happy. 

It's time to move on. 

You'll be okay. 

Well, I think I can speak for many of us walking wounded when I say that I. know. all. of. that. I even BELIEVE all of that. But-it doesn't always make me feel better. And you know what? Grief isn't just at the holidays. It's every day of your life in varying levels. And I give all of us who are hurting permission to not pretend we aren't grieving so everyone else can feel better about their holiday. I give you permission to be real and not feel obligated to be okay so others around you can feel better. And you know what else? It doesn't say anything bad about us that we aren't over it yet. 

This entry probably sound pretty angry, but it's not really that angry. Just honest. So...now that I've vented all this, let's be positive. Here are some good thoughts that have helped in my grieving process:

-sometimes you just have to tell yourself, "it's just another day." It's best not to expect for a holiday to be magically awesome if you are already having pretty non-awesome grieving days on at least a semi-regular basis. 

-It's okay to not celebrate if you don't feel like it, but don't isolate. Stay around people who let you be yourself and can handle your feelings. Maybe someone who's not as closely related to the loss but is close enough to be a safe place to lean and rest. 

-You don't have to hold it in. It's okay to cry and not worry about what others think of you. It's normal to cry when you are grieving. It's not really normal to NOT cry when you are hurting. Tears are cleansing and healing. And stop apologizing for crying or being sad. 

-There is a saying that "grief is the price we pay for loving someone." (I'm not sure of the source.)

Even if you feel negative about your loss, try to acknowledge your love for that person and honor the sacredness of your best moments. This may seem like a paradox of feelings, but that's okay. It doesn't have to make sense. You CAN have joy in the pain. You can laugh AND cry. You can be whatever you need to be. And it doesn't matter what others think about it. 

-Last, one of the best things that someone has ever told me about grief is that I control it. It doesn't control me. That is something I don't even fully understand yet, but a great reminder and goal. 

Thanks for letting me share. If you have more suggestions for how to get through the holidays, I'd love to hear them. 

Happy Thanksgiving? 

I'm a Big Whiner Baby

I'm not gonna lie, folks. I've had a rough week. No complaints, just giving myself permission to not act like everything's okay. BUT- i'm not going to dwell on that right now.

Tonight, I had the great honor of sitting with a survivor of the Rwandan genocide that took place in 1994, when he was 8. years. old. People! As I write this, one of my children is sitting on the couch regretting his life because I took his rock mallet away! Insanity! We don't have ANY real problems.

As I listened to this beautiful man with the big, joyful smile recount the history of his war-torn country and his memories of bodies piled up in the streets, the river, everywhere, it was humbling. I know about suffering. I have seen some hard times compared to some. But-I have never known the kind of suffering this man has endured, losing most of his family, losing everything he had in life, and wearing the machete-slice scars on his head from 20 years ago. The most amazing part is that the same suffering that broke many people he knew and destroyed their faith was the same suffering that made his and his family's faith stronger. The power of redemption. 


As I'm sitting here tonight, I'm listening to my kids annoy the heck out of each other and whine about what the don't have. We are all stressed out from another day of moving and arguing with each other. I'm reminded of one of the most powerful statements I've ever heard at a 12-step meeting:

"Bitterness says 'I didn't get my way in the past.'
Anger says, 'I'm not getting my way now.'
Fear says, 'I might not get my way in the future.'"

I remember the first time I heard that spoken in a meeting. I asked the person to say it again and then I thought, "wow. That's really it. That's really what it all comes down to. I'm such a baby." I can't speak for everyone, but this statement is true for me. I'm bitter because I didn't get my way in the past. I'm angry because I'm not getting my way now. I'm fearful because I might not get my way in the future. Back to Step One.

Stop Worrying About Your Kids-Part Two

So, what now? In every situational inventory (which is, basically, what that list of codependent behavior is), I‘ve learned through friends, programs, and experience, that’s it always most effective to list the good after the bad. That always leaves me feeling encouraged, hopeful, and having a better perspective. The inventory should end well and the parenting story will end well also. So here are some things that I’m working on that are healthy efforts in the midst of unhealthy behavior:

·         Keeping good boundaries-sometimes I’m on edge because I’m letting the kids get into my space too much, invade my time, ask for too much (to which I usually give too much), and I don’t make enough time for me. When Mom’s happy, everything is better. I’d like to use the rest of the saying, “then everybody’s happy,” but that’s not always how it works. Having boundaries also includes not doing things for my kids that they should be doing for themselves. I do want them to grow up and be able to do things for themselves. (only ten years to go!)

·         Allowing kids of all ages to experience consequences-As the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend teaches, consequences grow people up. When I don’t give consequences for negative behavior or don’t make my children follow through and/or accept consequences in their lives, I am giving them no reason to change and develop good behavior. Good consequences for good behavior is important too.

·         Being consistent-and let me clarify-I don’t mean PERFECTLY consistent. Perfection is not the goal. The goal is to do my best and get up every day and act like the woman God is calling me to be. I can’t do everything, be everything, and catch everything. My consistent efforts send the message that I’m not quitting, backing down, this is important, and I will not give up on this process.

·         Making quality time-The latest addition to our busy schedule is “ten minutes with Mom.” It could be anything from movies to card games or watching funny Youtube videos and it’s super simple. Our counselor even advised to give commentary while you are playing games to make sure that everyone is staying engaged. “oh, you have a yellow five card,” is an easy example. It’s also a great time to offer encouragement for positive behavior like, “thanks for not getting mad when you lost that game.” Lately, one of my teenagers and I haven’t been very fond of each other, but we played cards anyway and we left the door open. Things are getting better because of it.  

On that last bullet point, let me say something about not being very “fond of each other.” This is a hard process. Sometimes it good, but sometimes it’s not good at all. Sometimes good parenting means being the bad guy to my kid and not backing down. When they were small, it didn’t seem so significant because I had so much control over what they did. As my kids grow and become more independent, we have a lot more long periods of not being happy with each other. This has been sad because I feel like I’m losing some of the most precious years of their lives while we are at war with each other. However, if I’ve learned nothing else about healthy decisions, I have learned that people will often reject me when I choose to do the next right thing instead of giving in to their unhealthy behavior. I say “people” here because it’s not just kids that will do this. Sometimes people and kids punish us for not giving in to their poor, self-serving behavior. That hurts, but it will always pay off in the end. My kid may not like my choices, but I know when they grow up, they will see that I loved them and didn’t put my need for them to like me before their need for me to love them the way they needed to be loved-and that can mean TOUGH love too.

So…what if it fails? What if I do all this and they still rebel and turn away from me AND God?

Even if my children choose to reject the good lives and opportunities they have been given, I will always have the peace of knowing that I didn’t cause it, enable, perpetuate it, and I don’t have to live my life in guilt because I helped them fail. And-someday they will run back because they will know the difference between right and wrong and remember how much God and I loved them.

And what’s the worst thing that can happen to them? If God promised that if we raise our children up in the instruction of the Lord, that they will not depart from it, then should I be worried? If He promises to take everything that Satan meant for evil and use it for good, shouldn’t I be resting in the peace that we belong to Jesus and EVERY thing in our lives will be used for our good? Fear and stress are from the enemy and they should be red flags that tell me that I need to turn back to God and give my life, my family, and the outcome to Him over and over again.

And SO WHAT if they make mistakes?! Every person I admire is a mistake maker and usually someone who has suffered and overcome their circumstances. God uses those broken overcomers to lead people out of lives of darkness and into His marvelous light. I’ve never read St. Paul’s beautiful writings and thought, “his story would mean a lot more to me if he hadn’t murdered all those people!” How far God brought St. Paul makes his life magnify the power of God to deliver and set free!  And furthermore, when my world fell apart, it was the adulterers, former prostitutes, addicts, convicts, rejects, and other lost and found sheep that God surrounded me by to carry me until I could walk. They loved me extravagantly and committed themselves to me and my family because someone had done that for them. Now my family does the same for others.

What have I been doing? I’ve been trying to keep my kids from being like the people that I admire most!!! This is ridiculous! Of course, I don’t WANT my kids to make horrible mistakes, but I could be standing in the way of God’s will for them by trying to hold on to them so tightly. He will work out their lives for his glory and for the building of the kingdom of God. He will get them to heaven and that’s the most important thing I should be hoping for them. The bottom line is that my kids and I can’t have His will for us until I. Let. Go.

God, forgive me for trying to save my kids from Your plan. Forgive me for not trusting you to do what’s right and best. Give me the grace to love them as you lead them down the good path that You have planned, regardless of how that plan looks. 

P.S. If any of my kids are reading this, NO, you cannot have your phones back. Go flush the toilet.  

All Good Things...

Is it really true that "all good things must come to an end? It feels like it's very true during right now. For the past several years, my family and I have gone to an amazing Christ-centered 12step program at a local church that has changed our lives forever for the better. While I am so grateful for our times there, that program recently ended and I'm left leaving robbed and confused. And this is not the first time this has happened. For many years, I was a youth and music minister at a church that had a dynamic youth ministry program. though these two programs were very different, they were similar in that they were both amazing, international programs that had pretty revolutionary methods of reaching people and bringing them closer to Christ and each other. I loved both of these programs dearly and they were both pretty major life components for me for quite some time.
So what does all this mean? It could just mean that I'm putting too much into a program and not being open enough to just following God outside of a structured setting that has become a comfort zone. I can totally accept that this might just be me being rigid and resistant to change, which equals CONTROLLING. I like to think I'm not like that, but I don't that I'm being totally honest if I can't admit that. However, I still don't understand why it seems to be a pretty common thing (based on my experience and the accounts of others that I go to church with) to happen. So, I wonder: is this some kind of "tower of babel" effect where God tears the ministry down because people thought they could make their own way to reach Him?
I have another theory that, sometimes, God allows a church or ministry to go through a trial that will eventually cause the people to be dispersed and will lead to that ministry being spread to other churches through those people when they relocate. It brings to mind the scripture John 12:24- "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." That's a great scripture and I can see how that happened at the youth ministry program I worked with. That was a great program that did not last, but inspired and motivated other programs in the area to re-vamp their ministries and that work and dynamic ministry continues on years later. Unfortunately, the church where it all began no longer even has a youth ministry program. Sad face. No really! Super. sad. face. LOL. Or COL (cry out loud)
My least favorite theory for why these great programs end is the "If it ain't broke, fix it anyway" theory. I'm fully aware that this is judgmental theory, but sometimes I just feel like its just people in leadership are making changes based on personal preference. To be honest, I just don't always think that's always a good enough reason to take away a program that was loved by and reached so many. In my ministry style, I'd way rather make changes by adding as opposed to taking away.
Oh well, that's probably why I'm not in charge of anything.
Anyway...I guess I'm just grieving the loss of such a regular and meaningful part of our lives. This really isn't a complaint; just an exploration of what seems to be a recurring dynamic that is not on any of my favorite lists in life. I know that Jesus is not limited to a program and I can probably just choose to have a better attitude. This takes me back to step one: Realize I'm not God. The very situation that I'm grieving might be a necessary step in my journey or the catalyst in pushing me forward to a new chapter in my life. When I find myself wishing I could change or control something, it's always a red flag. I have to accept that this is not something I can change and continue to ask God for the wisdom to follow where He is leading.
In the meantime, I will choose to be grateful for all the good that God has done for me and thousands of others through both of these programs: lives changed, souls saved, joy, lots of laughter, a huge family of believers to lean on and journey with, a cadre of heroes to look up to, and countless other funny stories, beautiful moments, and answered prayers. I will cherish these memories always and NOTHING has been wasted.
In closing, I'd like to share the full version of the Serenity Prayer, which is a great reminder that I'm not in control, that I need God to do for me what I cannot do for myself, and that I can find peace through acceptance-regardless of how life changes and what my surroundings are. Best. Prayer. Ever.

"God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next."
Amen.

Attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr

"Can I punch him in the face and get it over with, and other things I did and did NOT learn at Church last Sunday"

“Can I punch him in the face and get it over with? and other things that I did and didn’t learn at Church last Sunday.”

You know what I remember about church last weekend? I remember my 8-year-old asking me “can I punch him in the face and get it over with?” Really? After over 13 years of being a mom, this is the depth of my church-going experience? Why do I even bother going? Or, why don’t I go to a church that keeps my kids busy while I have my own personal, in-depth, faith experience?

I’ll tell you why. When my kids grow up, I want them to remember us all piled into the pew, sitting in the back, sometimes fighting, sometimes not, sometimes listening, sometimes not, sometimes hating each other, sometimes not, but always, ALWAYS, being faithful. I love that about my church. Now, don’t get me wrong, after serving in ministry since 1997, I think it’s great that so many churches have moved to the trend of relocating children to their own “children’s church” programs. I think that serves the purpose of building strong peer Christian relationships and having you OWN faith. This can also be accomplished by attending a great youth groups, in addition to going to church with a family.

However, there are a few things that I hope my children learn from going to church with us “big folks” that can’t be taught in children’s church. I want them to learn how to lead a family and impart their faith to their children. I want my daughter to know what it’s like to cuddle her sleeping babies and internalize the teachings of our filial God who relates to us as a parent. I want my children to remember how I read them the lines just before it was time to sing each line of the songs and do the same for their children. I want them to remember me praying over them during church, and do the same. I want them to hear the praises that I whispered over them along with the words of the liturgy and feel them echo in their grown-up souls. I want my sons to learn how to wrap their arms firmly around their wives shoulders and, simultaneously, balance a kid on each knee.  I want them to remember that it must have been very important and THEY must have been very important. Oh, these things and much, much more.

The Most Reverend Gregory Luyet of the Diocese of Little Rock once addressed the behavior of children during church.  As I prepared for his correction of how I let my kids go wild and readied myself to view the proud faces of fellow church members wishing he had addressed this with me long ago, my face burned. Much to my surprise, he said, “I’d like to talk about the issue of babies crying and kids making noise in church. I’d rather hear the sound of a baby crying in church than the sound of dry bones rattling in the pew.” (or something like that) He went on to talk about how children are an integral part of the church. And the crowd went wild. Oh wait, that was just me-in my heart!!! Friends, as a mom who had five kids in eight years, that was very healing for me.

Now, let me tell you about one of the most beautiful, life-changing moments of my life. During one of the darkest periods of my life, I would take my 1,3, & 4 year old boys to church each morning after I dropped my oldest off at school. Yes, every morning. One morning, we were business as usual and my three-year-old approached me to kneel on my lap, suck his fingers, nuzzle his face into my neck, and get me to cuddle him. He had done this countless times. It was our “thing.” This time was slightly different. This time, the instant before he assumed his position of love, he said, “O.K. Mom, you be God and I’ll be Jesus.” Without skipping a beat, he began to “cuddle me.” (his title for the custom)

My whole life changed that day. I had never, in my whole life, thought of God and Jesus as a parent with a cuddling child in His lap. St. Thomas Aquinas said that the Holy Spirit is the eternal love of the Father and Son. This immediately brings to mind Romans 8:15, which states that we “have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons and daughters, by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" (emphasis added) What this means to me is that God wants to make me his child and he wants to be my parent. This implies intimacy, reality, and deep emotional connection and love.

My three-year-old son knew the mystery of how the Father loved the Son and sent forth his Spirit of adoption to make us his children and be filled with his love and presence! Is this abnormal? I don’t think it is. I believe that ALL children reveal the secrets of God that only the purest of heart understand. What my son did NOT know was that I had been looking for that kind of love for 32 years. That was what I was missing. Lack of THAT love was what made the hole in my heart, which led me to run to so many other things for fulfillment. This is often referred to as the “God-shaped hole.” I mean it when I say that this experience changed my life forever-and it would’ve never happened if he hadn’t been in church with me.

So, on that day, while we sat in church, we mirrored the love relationship between God and His people. What about all the other days when I’m sweaty, angry (but still love them), and appalled at my children’s apparent lack of concern for their own needs and my feelings? Well, on those days, we mirror the parent/child relationship that we all have with God. I’m so glad that God doesn’t dwell on all the times that He has tried to get me to listen, or sit down and be still, or stop showing-off in front of people, or obey, or stop fighting, or just-be-quiet. But just as I do for my children, he doesn’t stop loving me, he doesn’t stop trying to reach me, and he doesn’t give up on me.

So, the next time you are sweating it out at church with your kids, remember that you are investing in their futures, the futures of the people around you, the future of The Church, and your own future. Also remember, as is the case with many things in life-IT GETS BETTER. Hang in there…

For Freedom...

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

Oh, to be free! What a wonderful idea, concept, desire, etc. Interestingly, though, I think that most of us are not. I myself am not as often as I want to be, and how I long to be free. I have been thinking a lot about freedom lately. I have been struggling with feelings of wanting to be free of certain sins and actions in my life. I have been witnessing the suffering of others around me and wishing that I could take it from them. How odd that I desire to give people what I do not have in so many areas of my life! This has taken me back to a time when things were particularly difficult in my life and I attended a counseling program that led my husband and I through a lengthy exercise of making an inventory of sins that we needed to confess and people that we need to forgive. What a simple concept! It seemed of little importance at the time, but I was desperate enough to try anything. I was miserable, defeated, and did I say desperate?
Note: It took a bit of reflection and writing time to get this all out and it was not something that I would like to do for fun. However, as we began to read through the lists, I began to feel lighter. I started feeling hope seep into the cracks in my soul that were created by these violations committed by myself and others.

At the end of the moral inventory, I felt like a million bucks. It was difficult reading my sins aloud, but it was so cleansing to bring these dark things out into the light. They were deceptively large and ugly in the dark! In the light of God's grace, they had no power over me and they were little things after all. This brings to mind Psalm 51:2 that says "Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!" I confessed things that day that I had been holding on to for years. I believe that unconfessed or habitual sin eventually takes hold of us and traps us in shame and fear of letting it go. Then, all the shame that I had carried had disappeared! God even inspired me with a picture in my mind of myself in my beautiful wedding dress surrounded in light so I would know that is how God sees me. First John 3:1 echoes in my soul as I write this-"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" I had felt rejected my whole life and God accepted me in the face of my rejection of him. What a great system!
The second phase of this process was even more powerful. You know, as many of you have experienced in your own life, there are a lot of hurtful people out there. I had a long list of people who had hurt me-some people I loved and some people I hated. The counselor posed an interesting question to us: "Who is the person who has hurt you the most?" Immediately, a person popped into my head. I bet that question never takes long to answer. I was 23 years old when I answered that question. Now, eleven years older, I have a different answer-but we'll get to that later. Then there were more questions. "How many sins has that person committed against you?" I felt sick. Next, he asked, "now, how many sins have YOU committed?" I thought, what does that have to do with what we're talking about!? Then he asked, "if Jesus, can forgive you your sins, which are far surpassing in number, can you forgive this person?" I was forced to look at the picture of salvation. The same Jesus that died on the cross for my hurtful person that died for me! More importantly, Jesus did not withhold His mercy from me for my sins! Why can Jesus go around forgiving people that hurt Him and I can't? (No seriously, why? I still am terrible at this!!!) This was very humbling...

Furthermore, I think that the "spiritual forces of evil"-Ephesians 6:12 (or whatever you want to call it)- have set up a pretty sick system anyway. It seems more than a little unfair that the people who get hurt become so burdened with the weight of that offense, that they continue to suffer until they are set free from that hurt through forgiveness. Have you experienced that like I have? This can happen in countless ways. Think of a person who has had their purity violated and spirals into shame and self-destruction of various forms. Think of person who has suffered physical, mental, or any other kind of abuse and then becomes so locked up in the pain of it that they turn and abuse others. What about the generations of family members that pass these things on? All because some hurting person hurt someone else! Well, I say, "NO MORE!!!"
But see, I have these problems, excuses, if you will. Here's the list:
1) I don't want to deal with the pain of thinking about that right now.
2) I don't want to forgive someone until they apologize to me.
3) I don't want to forgive someone unless I know that they really mean it and understand the pain they have caused me.
4) I'm busy right now! or I'm tired!
5) Fill-in-the-blank with the reason of the week!
If you can identify, bear with me while I address these numbered items the best I can. You may have better ideas, but that's okay. This is my blog! Get your own!
1) If I am hurting right now, the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I can be free and feel better. Also, some jerk who hurt me, especially if they did it on purpose, does not deserve the satisfaction of my incarceration for even ONE MORE DAY.
2) Some people will never apologize. Some people were already hurt when they hurt you and don't have the skills to make healthy choices. Also, this is how I see it: If my actions depend on the actions of someone else, then I am letting them have control over me. I don't let anyone have control over me!
3) I am such a proud person sometimes. Who am I to say that someone isn't sorry?! I have learned by getting-ahem-OLDER that I don't even know my own heart-much LESS the heart of someone else. And aren't I getting a little too "judgey" here? (yes, that's a word I just made up. Again, it's my blog, my rules. Ha!)
4) If I am free, I can think more clearly, make better choices, and be more at peace. Since I have resolved many of these issues in my life, I even sleep better! Who couldn't use more sleep?
5) I need to get over myself!!!
Well, in case you're thinking that I should be pretty good at this process after 12 years, you're wrong. I don't think this process is more than just a skill to possess, but a journey and guide for the rest of our lives. I have repeated this process even in various programs and still struggle. Many times.

So, here's what i'm going to do. I'm going to do it again. And again. And, you guessed it-AGAIN.
If you want to join me, make an inventory of sins to confess. This is pretty cut and dry. Then, I confess these sins "to another that you [I] may be healed." (James 5:16) Though some us differ on the belief and application of that scripture, I think it's true for everyone that God wants us to have someone else involved in this process. This is not time for debate. It's a great idea, at least!
I like to take things in phases, so I don't get overwhelmed. So, next, I would get started on the list of people who have hurt you. You can even search the internet for forms to fill in if you like. (I wish there was also an "easy button" also, but there's not.) My favorite way to make columns: Column #1) People who have hurt me-And it's okay to include God or yourself
Column #2) What they did-all inclusive and this whole activity should only be done with someone you trust. It's okay. Just get it out.
Column #3) How it made me feel-Use descriptive words to express your feelings. You can find lists on emotions on the web too if this is not your strong suit.
Then say it outloud like this (or however you want to):
Jesus, I forgive person's name
for list the offense or offenses - I go back and forth on whether or not to do one offense at a time or listing them all at once
which made me feel - _____________-List all the feelings you have about this from then and now.

Okay, lastly: (as if this weren't long enough!)
1) Pick a person you can trust. Maybe someone not directly involved. Maybe someone you can guarantee will not repeat any of this or use it against you. Maybe someone further along in their faith walk than you. Maybe someone who has been through this with their own issues.
2) Schedule the time. This is important. No interruptions. You are important. Make this a priority.
3) Suggestion: Plan to do something really positive after this activity! I love balance and I try to do something positive and fun after emotionally taxing situations.
4) Do it soon! Freedom is just behind the door! Granted, it's an ugly door and I'd often rather leave all that stuff behind it, but it's worth it!!!
Alright, so back to the statement I made earlier about my answer on the person who hurt me most being different now. My answer now: ME. What does that mean? A variety of things:
-I'm no longer living in bondage to other people.
-I'm only in control of myself and I'm taking responibility for my own actions and failures.
-I'm not focusing on the faults of others-which, again, I have no control over.
-God is pleased. I am pleased.
-I have control over my own FREEDOM.
So, why do I not live every day in victory? Because i'm human. And that's okay.
God still loves me.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)