Stop Worrying About Your Kids-Part Two

So, what now? In every situational inventory (which is, basically, what that list of codependent behavior is), I‘ve learned through friends, programs, and experience, that’s it always most effective to list the good after the bad. That always leaves me feeling encouraged, hopeful, and having a better perspective. The inventory should end well and the parenting story will end well also. So here are some things that I’m working on that are healthy efforts in the midst of unhealthy behavior:

·         Keeping good boundaries-sometimes I’m on edge because I’m letting the kids get into my space too much, invade my time, ask for too much (to which I usually give too much), and I don’t make enough time for me. When Mom’s happy, everything is better. I’d like to use the rest of the saying, “then everybody’s happy,” but that’s not always how it works. Having boundaries also includes not doing things for my kids that they should be doing for themselves. I do want them to grow up and be able to do things for themselves. (only ten years to go!)

·         Allowing kids of all ages to experience consequences-As the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend teaches, consequences grow people up. When I don’t give consequences for negative behavior or don’t make my children follow through and/or accept consequences in their lives, I am giving them no reason to change and develop good behavior. Good consequences for good behavior is important too.

·         Being consistent-and let me clarify-I don’t mean PERFECTLY consistent. Perfection is not the goal. The goal is to do my best and get up every day and act like the woman God is calling me to be. I can’t do everything, be everything, and catch everything. My consistent efforts send the message that I’m not quitting, backing down, this is important, and I will not give up on this process.

·         Making quality time-The latest addition to our busy schedule is “ten minutes with Mom.” It could be anything from movies to card games or watching funny Youtube videos and it’s super simple. Our counselor even advised to give commentary while you are playing games to make sure that everyone is staying engaged. “oh, you have a yellow five card,” is an easy example. It’s also a great time to offer encouragement for positive behavior like, “thanks for not getting mad when you lost that game.” Lately, one of my teenagers and I haven’t been very fond of each other, but we played cards anyway and we left the door open. Things are getting better because of it.  

On that last bullet point, let me say something about not being very “fond of each other.” This is a hard process. Sometimes it good, but sometimes it’s not good at all. Sometimes good parenting means being the bad guy to my kid and not backing down. When they were small, it didn’t seem so significant because I had so much control over what they did. As my kids grow and become more independent, we have a lot more long periods of not being happy with each other. This has been sad because I feel like I’m losing some of the most precious years of their lives while we are at war with each other. However, if I’ve learned nothing else about healthy decisions, I have learned that people will often reject me when I choose to do the next right thing instead of giving in to their unhealthy behavior. I say “people” here because it’s not just kids that will do this. Sometimes people and kids punish us for not giving in to their poor, self-serving behavior. That hurts, but it will always pay off in the end. My kid may not like my choices, but I know when they grow up, they will see that I loved them and didn’t put my need for them to like me before their need for me to love them the way they needed to be loved-and that can mean TOUGH love too.

So…what if it fails? What if I do all this and they still rebel and turn away from me AND God?

Even if my children choose to reject the good lives and opportunities they have been given, I will always have the peace of knowing that I didn’t cause it, enable, perpetuate it, and I don’t have to live my life in guilt because I helped them fail. And-someday they will run back because they will know the difference between right and wrong and remember how much God and I loved them.

And what’s the worst thing that can happen to them? If God promised that if we raise our children up in the instruction of the Lord, that they will not depart from it, then should I be worried? If He promises to take everything that Satan meant for evil and use it for good, shouldn’t I be resting in the peace that we belong to Jesus and EVERY thing in our lives will be used for our good? Fear and stress are from the enemy and they should be red flags that tell me that I need to turn back to God and give my life, my family, and the outcome to Him over and over again.

And SO WHAT if they make mistakes?! Every person I admire is a mistake maker and usually someone who has suffered and overcome their circumstances. God uses those broken overcomers to lead people out of lives of darkness and into His marvelous light. I’ve never read St. Paul’s beautiful writings and thought, “his story would mean a lot more to me if he hadn’t murdered all those people!” How far God brought St. Paul makes his life magnify the power of God to deliver and set free!  And furthermore, when my world fell apart, it was the adulterers, former prostitutes, addicts, convicts, rejects, and other lost and found sheep that God surrounded me by to carry me until I could walk. They loved me extravagantly and committed themselves to me and my family because someone had done that for them. Now my family does the same for others.

What have I been doing? I’ve been trying to keep my kids from being like the people that I admire most!!! This is ridiculous! Of course, I don’t WANT my kids to make horrible mistakes, but I could be standing in the way of God’s will for them by trying to hold on to them so tightly. He will work out their lives for his glory and for the building of the kingdom of God. He will get them to heaven and that’s the most important thing I should be hoping for them. The bottom line is that my kids and I can’t have His will for us until I. Let. Go.

God, forgive me for trying to save my kids from Your plan. Forgive me for not trusting you to do what’s right and best. Give me the grace to love them as you lead them down the good path that You have planned, regardless of how that plan looks. 

P.S. If any of my kids are reading this, NO, you cannot have your phones back. Go flush the toilet.  

I'm Sorry I Attacked Justin Bieber on Stage

Hey folks! I've been thinking about this post since last week. I sure many of you heard that Justin Bieber was recently attacked on stage. This is major news, right? I'm not a "belieber" myself, not unlike Anne Frank, (Oh Biebs, really?) but I am a big fan of kids. You could probably already tell that by the five kids...anyway...
Well, in the scheme of things of our world, this is not really major news, but it was kind of the Bieber-that-broke-the-camel's-back for me. Being a christian mother of five kids (or any number) it is a constant struggle to help my kids to be "in the world and not of it." (Not sure where that quote comes from). And you know what? Let's put the Christianity aside-because what's good is good. Most of us are good parents who want the best for our children and we can probably all agree on that.

So, did I attack Justin Bieber? Not directly, but I may have contributed to the societal phenomenon that caused his attack. I have heard that if we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem.

Justin Bieber used to be a little kid who liked to sing and play the drums. Before he was an adult, he became-like many other child stars have-an object of idolization, ridicule, superstardom, sometimes abuse, and whatever else our fickle media and public opinion think of his actions each day. That is a lot to deal with for a child. It's a lot to deal with for many child stars. Think of every cute little movie/tv/Internet/music sensation that you can that has ended up on drugs, been abused, is an early onset alcoholic, or fill-in-the-blank. And GOD FORBID that you were an adorable kid who turned out to look like an unattractive adult. Many of those kids never work again!

So, what's my point? This is not about good or bad, people. This is about evidence and observation. There seems to be a direct link between celebrity life (for kids AND adults-but let's stick with kids for now) and troubled lives. We have a responsibility to protect out children and also protect other children in any way we can whenever possible. Now, I'm not telling you it our fault. I'm not telling you to boycott the childhood entertainment industry- but I would probably admire you if you did. :) What I AM saying is that I think we have to start talking to our children about this problem and not allowing the media and celebrities have to so much influence in their lives.

Here's some background info on me: My kids love most media, but their favorite is children's entertainment. First, I'll begin by saying that I don't let them watch heavy violence or sexual content because I don't want to fill their heads with thought of things that I would not want them to do in real life. I have heard that kids act out things that they don't understand and they don't know how to process a lot of mature content? That can cause them negative repercussions, emotional trauma, etc.

The REST of children's entertainment is pretty shallow and mildly inappropriate, to say the least.
Here is how I have I chosen to deal with that:
1-I have selected a list of things that my kids enjoy and shows that I don't feel are giving them a warped view of life or a fascination with rebellion and dating.
Result: my kids have a healthier respect for parents and dating and we talk about the shows they watch. They involve me and they understand why I have made these entertainment boundaries.

2-I have also chosen to only have Netflix, Hulu, and the Internet, which I am in charge of and we don't watch commercials normally.
Result: Since my kids stopped watching commercials, they are more grateful for what they have, they aren't always crying and melting down in retail store aisles, and they hate me a lot less.

3-Due to studies I have read about the negative physiological effect of too much media stimulation, We no longer watch TV or play video games on school nights (except for rare treats or much needed mommy breaks).
Result: My house is quieter and I like that. I didn't realize that I was addicted to the noise of the TV. My kids get along better because of our increase in family time. And, they know that they can use the Internet or iPad (when they have been responsible) to use study games and they are leaning more.
** Here's something else that was a pretty profound experience for me: I stopped having the TV babysit my kids and we have a better relationship because of that. This is a miracle folks! When they were little, I was afraid to turn the TV off because I didn't know what I was going to do without it. True story.

4-Then, I made the decision to keep them busy having fun and being creative, so they wouldn't even notice reduction in media consumption. I'm also trying to get us out of the sedentary lifestyle, be more active, play board games and cards, tell stories, grow plants, and the list goes on and on.
Result: more fun & and more love. :)

5-I have also chosen to have some non-judgemental conversations with my two older kids about how their favorite struggling stars are doing and encourage them to pray for them.
Result:my older kids have learned some valuable lessons and they care about the kids in the field of entertainment. They respect them and see them as real people!

6-NOT COOL ALERT!!! This might be a hard one, but I said NO to my kids when they had the desire to make an idol of CHILD performer. Now, we have had t-shirts and some neat school supplies, but it has been within reason. I also did not allow them to build child idol shrines in their bedrooms-you know like home made room dividers made entirely of Joe McIntyre posters like a certain junior high best friend of mine. And I have discouraged long-distance crush affairs that leave you crying in the floor because I didn't get to go to the NKOTB concert and all my friends did! Oh, I mean "them"...and something about "One Direction." ;)

In Closing, i want to make sure that you hear me say that we really enjoy entertainment whenever we reasonably can. We really do. Im not here to point fingers. If I ever do anything right in my life, its almost always the direct result it doing it wrong once or a hundred times- and its no exception in this case. Also, I am not condemning the famous kids, the fanatic kids, or their parents. The industry? Maybe, but this is more about what we can do to be healthy and not contribute to hurting ALL children. So about the list-use it. Don't use it. Make your own. But do SOMETHING. Maybe think twice before you click on the TMZ story about Lilo. Maybe choose not to buy that magazine with the provocative airbrushed photo of someone you know is not legally an adult. I'd love to hear some of your methods too! Please take a minute to comment on this and give me some wisdom or thoughts about this situation. And remember, parents don't let kids look like this:

Washing Your Hair in a Mental Hospital Bathroom

My life is a lot different since I became a mom over 14 years ago. When I was younger, I imagined being a perfect mom, with a perfect marriage, and perfect kids. I started out in 1998 as a natural mom who was going to give birth at home and live off of beans and rice, if that's what it took to stay home with my kids. I wanted a big family and I got it. We had five kids in eight years and I have been pregnant for about four years of my life. (Yes, I l know how that happens and yes, know it's a uterus-not a clown car). I tried for many years to be a perfect mom and have a normal life and I have yet to achieve either.

Fast forward to 2013 and my kids are 14, 12, 9, 8, and 6. I am a widow (divorced, but he has passed-we were still married in the Church). I'm about to have a high school student that occasionally reminds me of the reasons why animals eat their young. I have a tween-age girl and that is a lot harder so far than I EVER imagined. I work full-time, go to school part-time, and feel like I'm aging double-time.

I am slowly trying to let go of normal and perfect. It's pretty stressful and a futile struggle. Although, it CAN be pretty hilarious sometimes when I get in the mode of trying to be all things to all people- you know...after my rage and insanity passes. I recently had a day where I had at least 15 items on the to-do list which included lots of running around with four of the fab five in tow. It was a rough day: fighting, shopping, striking peace accords, begging God for mercy. I was also looking for an outfit for a wedding (that I never made it to) and I though how nice it would be to color my hair. I had been letting my gray grow out for several months as an experiment to see how gray it looks-REALLY gray, turns out. (I blame those kids.) So, I'm coloring my hair for the first time with good color that you paint on and I'm having to redirect, referee, penalize, and holler the whole time. The next thing I realize, I have to be where I'm going next in six minutes. I have two choices: have half a head of dyed hair or keep the hair dye hair on to go visit my friend in a mental health facility. Having no good options to chose from, I opted for the one that would be humiliating for the least amount of time. I put my stinky hair in a bun, put a dark bath towel around my neck, covered it with a scarf, and headed out the door.

When I arrived at my destination, I met my friend who looked very surprised to see me in such a frazzled state and he immediately noticed my new disturbing odor. When my 35 minutes of shame were up, I excused myself to the facilities. I avoided eye contact, made a beeline into a stall, and proceeded to pretend to use the bathroom until it was empty. I walked out of the stall to wash my hair in the sink. Here we go. All or nothing. What I had not thought of before this time was that it was an automatic sink and that there would be no hot water. It just got better and better. While I was playing head tag with the automatic sink I wondered if I should cry, laugh, or just absolutely lose my mind. I was in a mental facility. I would fit right in. Right?

Instead of asking for some medication and a straight jacket I chose to focus on flexibility, being merciful to myself, and making a resolution to plan better next time. Sometimes I feel really sorry for myself because I'm so busy all the time with the demands of single parenting five kids. I wanted the big family, but I never thought I would do it alone. But-my family is beautiful, funny, talented, an adventure, and the most important thing I will ever do or have on this side of eternity; and I'm their only parent. If that's not enough for me, then I'm being unfocused on my vocation, selfish, and ungrateful. Being a mom has changed me, challenged me, and refined me. It is one of the greatest sacrifices a woman can make and I'm working on enjoying the gifts, blessings, and time we have together instead of tolerating it and wishing for more or better. Today, I will stare at them. Hold them and press my cheek against theirs and drink them in. I will laugh. I might cry. I will definitely pray. And I will try not to lose it. But I will. not. miss. a. thing.

There was a time period when they were all smaller and I thought I wasn't going to make it. What was I thinking? But, that passed as I saw them becoming such beautiful people with so many hidden treasures and qualities tha I couldn't see when they were younger. Love and prayers to all the wonderful moms out there-especially of large broods-in whatever state your kids have left you. The following is a quiz I was thinking of using to tell if your a mom of a big family.

How you know you have a lot of kids:
1. You haven't had all of your laundry simultaneously washed, dry, folded, and put away for five years or more.
2. If you've ever had a sore arm and realized you have spanker's elbow.
3. If you have to get to event early for fear that there won't be enough seats together.
4. If you sit or stand in the foyer at most events because you can't ever get there on time.
5. If you buy your toilet paper by the case.
6. If you can't remember the last time you saw a flushed toilet.
7. When you remember the good old days when you used to shower or bathe every day.
8. If you cross your legs when you sneeze.
9. If your two tired to put ten items on this list. Seriously, I'm going to bed now. I may even take a shower.

Your assignment:
Send me some additions to the list! It'll be fun!

"I Know What We're Going to Do Today!"

Hey Friends!

If you are like me, and you are well-versed in children's programming, you will recognize the quote in the header of this blog entry. It's what Phineas from "Phineas and Ferb" says every day of the summer before they set out on a new scheme or adventure during their summer break. I love that show! I don't love summer as much as they do, though. As a single mother of five, every school break-ESPECIALLY SUMMER-is a challenge. I find myself saying each spring, "if I can just make it through the summer..." We'll, here we are and I wanted to share with you of some great activities that have helped me make it through the years. I hope you'll share yours with me too! Seriously, what am I going to do with these deranged minors all summer?! (I especially need affordable ideas for the older ones)

#1 - I wanted to remind those of you who struggle to afford summer childcare that some church-based summer care programs/camps offer scholarships. We have been blessed to receive this help for the last four summers and, though my oldest two have "aged out," I have three there this summer and this has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. Don't be too proud to call up churches and ask if there is assistance available. Other summer programs to remember are the Boys and Girls Club, Pulaski County Youth Services Our Club summer programs, and some of the school-based summer care programs can be pretty affordable too. Thought: I've always wanted to find people who would barter childcare or other services, but that's a big challenge when you have more kids than most anyone else you know. lol.

#2 - Vacation Bible School subject: Last summer, my mom was watching my youngest and she proposed a challenge to me. She proposed that I try to see how many Vacation Bible Schools I could find. Challenge accepted! Not only can you visit the websites listed in Savvy Kids, but you can also Google "vacation bible schools Little Rock 2013." I found a vacation bible school for every week from the first week of June, through the first week of August, with the exception of the 4th of July week. I wish I had found the lists sooner, because we didn't get into one week that was already full. These are not usually full day situations (though some were!), but my mom appreciated the breaks and my son had a blast. By the end of the summer, he was Bapti-Catho-Presby-Metho-Piscopal. Bottom line: the kids loves Jesus in any kind of church. I love it!

#3 - Teenagers - An important scripture to remember when raising teenagers if Proverbs 29:15-"a child left to himself [or herself] will bring his [or her] parent shame." Teenagers need to stay active and be part of healthy communities to keep them from getting on the wrong path. They need love and interaction. I am very blessed to be able to bring my teen to work with me from time to time, but that gets boring and sometimes frustrating for both of us very quickly. So, I made a schedule for this kiddo and booked him all over the place for the entire summer. I have scheduled a variety of types of activities for him: service, social, athletic, and I ordered his summer reading books right after school ended. Though my oldest is not doing everything on this list, I found some great leads and programs while I was program shopping:
1) Little Rock Family has a huge lists of summer activites and summer camps for kids. Check it out at LittleRockFamily.com.
2) Boy Scouts of America meets during the summer and also has Boy Scout Camp opportunities.
3) There is a scouting division called Venture Crew that has frequent service opportunities, such as helping at the Cub Scout Day Camp that is going on all next week.To check out scouting opportunities, visit this link: http://www.quapawbsa.org.
4) Special item: I recently found that most people who have children that have experienced the effects of an alcoholic or addict don't know that that there are Alateen programs in our area. The Alateen and Al-Anon support groups help teens and adults heal from the hurts that result from substance abuse. There is a meeting at the Wolfe Street Foundation in downtown Little Rock on Wednesday nights at 6:00pm and on Thursday nights at 7:00pm at the First Baptist Church of Sherwood. We love that program!
5)Also, In case you don't know, I work for Pulaski County Youth Services. I'm really not sharing this item to promote my work, but we have a great summer music program. It's for six weeks this summer, Monday-Thursday, from 9am-1pm. We also have a financial literacy camp from July 8-12, and some ACT Prep opportunities. And...ALL OF OUR PROGRAMS ARE FREE! For more information and to download the applications, visit this link:
Http://www.pulaskicountyyouthservices.org

#4 - Family Activity Ideas:
-There's always the library. It's a great free activity unless you always return your books late like me. We are library outlaws on the regular. lol.
-The Rave has free movies two days a week all summer. Everyone gets in free. These aren't the current moves that are out, but there are some good ones. For some reason, I can't find the list online, but you can look it up. You're smart!
-If your kids like to bowl, there is free, daytime bowling all summer at Professor Bowl on Reservoir Rd. Parent passes are super cheap too.

I could literally go on and on with lists of great summer programs and affordable activities, but I've got some program applications to fall asleep without finishing. This was just to encourage you that there is hope for summer sanity while the kids are out of school this summer. I would love it if you would share your summer activity ideas, secrets, resources. Or if you would babysit my kids...