Good Grief - When Holidays Hurt

Holiday are like a grief magnifying glass for me. I grieve year-round, but it's hardest on holidays (and birthdays). Today was no exception. Kids fighting, Me crying. It's become a new tradition. I wish it wasn't that way, but I'm grieving. And i'm also annoyed.

I think we are conditioned in our society to believe that holidays are supposed to be special and perfect. So many of us have an ideal holiday in our heads and we put a lot into it as a society. The problem? Everyone you love is supposed to be with you. But that's not the case for so many of us.

And to make it even worse, people don't want you to grieve on holidays. It messes up the obligatory good times. The picture-perfect holidays. It makes people feel uncomfortable. I mean, can't you just put it aside and enjoy the day? Aren't you grateful? It is Thanksgiving, after all. And what about all the other stuff people tell you tell you to try to make you feel better:

It's God's plan. God will work it out for your good!

You have so much to be thankful for!

He/she would want you to be happy. 

It's time to move on. 

You'll be okay. 

Well, I think I can speak for many of us walking wounded when I say that I. know. all. of. that. I even BELIEVE all of that. But-it doesn't always make me feel better. And you know what? Grief isn't just at the holidays. It's every day of your life in varying levels. And I give all of us who are hurting permission to not pretend we aren't grieving so everyone else can feel better about their holiday. I give you permission to be real and not feel obligated to be okay so others around you can feel better. And you know what else? It doesn't say anything bad about us that we aren't over it yet. 

This entry probably sound pretty angry, but it's not really that angry. Just honest. So...now that I've vented all this, let's be positive. Here are some good thoughts that have helped in my grieving process:

-sometimes you just have to tell yourself, "it's just another day." It's best not to expect for a holiday to be magically awesome if you are already having pretty non-awesome grieving days on at least a semi-regular basis. 

-It's okay to not celebrate if you don't feel like it, but don't isolate. Stay around people who let you be yourself and can handle your feelings. Maybe someone who's not as closely related to the loss but is close enough to be a safe place to lean and rest. 

-You don't have to hold it in. It's okay to cry and not worry about what others think of you. It's normal to cry when you are grieving. It's not really normal to NOT cry when you are hurting. Tears are cleansing and healing. And stop apologizing for crying or being sad. 

-There is a saying that "grief is the price we pay for loving someone." (I'm not sure of the source.)

Even if you feel negative about your loss, try to acknowledge your love for that person and honor the sacredness of your best moments. This may seem like a paradox of feelings, but that's okay. It doesn't have to make sense. You CAN have joy in the pain. You can laugh AND cry. You can be whatever you need to be. And it doesn't matter what others think about it. 

-Last, one of the best things that someone has ever told me about grief is that I control it. It doesn't control me. That is something I don't even fully understand yet, but a great reminder and goal. 

Thanks for letting me share. If you have more suggestions for how to get through the holidays, I'd love to hear them. 

Happy Thanksgiving? 

I'm a Big Whiner Baby

I'm not gonna lie, folks. I've had a rough week. No complaints, just giving myself permission to not act like everything's okay. BUT- i'm not going to dwell on that right now.

Tonight, I had the great honor of sitting with a survivor of the Rwandan genocide that took place in 1994, when he was 8. years. old. People! As I write this, one of my children is sitting on the couch regretting his life because I took his rock mallet away! Insanity! We don't have ANY real problems.

As I listened to this beautiful man with the big, joyful smile recount the history of his war-torn country and his memories of bodies piled up in the streets, the river, everywhere, it was humbling. I know about suffering. I have seen some hard times compared to some. But-I have never known the kind of suffering this man has endured, losing most of his family, losing everything he had in life, and wearing the machete-slice scars on his head from 20 years ago. The most amazing part is that the same suffering that broke many people he knew and destroyed their faith was the same suffering that made his and his family's faith stronger. The power of redemption. 


As I'm sitting here tonight, I'm listening to my kids annoy the heck out of each other and whine about what the don't have. We are all stressed out from another day of moving and arguing with each other. I'm reminded of one of the most powerful statements I've ever heard at a 12-step meeting:

"Bitterness says 'I didn't get my way in the past.'
Anger says, 'I'm not getting my way now.'
Fear says, 'I might not get my way in the future.'"

I remember the first time I heard that spoken in a meeting. I asked the person to say it again and then I thought, "wow. That's really it. That's really what it all comes down to. I'm such a baby." I can't speak for everyone, but this statement is true for me. I'm bitter because I didn't get my way in the past. I'm angry because I'm not getting my way now. I'm fearful because I might not get my way in the future. Back to Step One.

All Good Things...

Is it really true that "all good things must come to an end? It feels like it's very true during right now. For the past several years, my family and I have gone to an amazing Christ-centered 12step program at a local church that has changed our lives forever for the better. While I am so grateful for our times there, that program recently ended and I'm left leaving robbed and confused. And this is not the first time this has happened. For many years, I was a youth and music minister at a church that had a dynamic youth ministry program. though these two programs were very different, they were similar in that they were both amazing, international programs that had pretty revolutionary methods of reaching people and bringing them closer to Christ and each other. I loved both of these programs dearly and they were both pretty major life components for me for quite some time.
So what does all this mean? It could just mean that I'm putting too much into a program and not being open enough to just following God outside of a structured setting that has become a comfort zone. I can totally accept that this might just be me being rigid and resistant to change, which equals CONTROLLING. I like to think I'm not like that, but I don't that I'm being totally honest if I can't admit that. However, I still don't understand why it seems to be a pretty common thing (based on my experience and the accounts of others that I go to church with) to happen. So, I wonder: is this some kind of "tower of babel" effect where God tears the ministry down because people thought they could make their own way to reach Him?
I have another theory that, sometimes, God allows a church or ministry to go through a trial that will eventually cause the people to be dispersed and will lead to that ministry being spread to other churches through those people when they relocate. It brings to mind the scripture John 12:24- "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." That's a great scripture and I can see how that happened at the youth ministry program I worked with. That was a great program that did not last, but inspired and motivated other programs in the area to re-vamp their ministries and that work and dynamic ministry continues on years later. Unfortunately, the church where it all began no longer even has a youth ministry program. Sad face. No really! Super. sad. face. LOL. Or COL (cry out loud)
My least favorite theory for why these great programs end is the "If it ain't broke, fix it anyway" theory. I'm fully aware that this is judgmental theory, but sometimes I just feel like its just people in leadership are making changes based on personal preference. To be honest, I just don't always think that's always a good enough reason to take away a program that was loved by and reached so many. In my ministry style, I'd way rather make changes by adding as opposed to taking away.
Oh well, that's probably why I'm not in charge of anything.
Anyway...I guess I'm just grieving the loss of such a regular and meaningful part of our lives. This really isn't a complaint; just an exploration of what seems to be a recurring dynamic that is not on any of my favorite lists in life. I know that Jesus is not limited to a program and I can probably just choose to have a better attitude. This takes me back to step one: Realize I'm not God. The very situation that I'm grieving might be a necessary step in my journey or the catalyst in pushing me forward to a new chapter in my life. When I find myself wishing I could change or control something, it's always a red flag. I have to accept that this is not something I can change and continue to ask God for the wisdom to follow where He is leading.
In the meantime, I will choose to be grateful for all the good that God has done for me and thousands of others through both of these programs: lives changed, souls saved, joy, lots of laughter, a huge family of believers to lean on and journey with, a cadre of heroes to look up to, and countless other funny stories, beautiful moments, and answered prayers. I will cherish these memories always and NOTHING has been wasted.
In closing, I'd like to share the full version of the Serenity Prayer, which is a great reminder that I'm not in control, that I need God to do for me what I cannot do for myself, and that I can find peace through acceptance-regardless of how life changes and what my surroundings are. Best. Prayer. Ever.

"God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next."
Amen.

Attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr

I'm Sorry I Attacked Justin Bieber on Stage

Hey folks! I've been thinking about this post since last week. I sure many of you heard that Justin Bieber was recently attacked on stage. This is major news, right? I'm not a "belieber" myself, not unlike Anne Frank, (Oh Biebs, really?) but I am a big fan of kids. You could probably already tell that by the five kids...anyway...
Well, in the scheme of things of our world, this is not really major news, but it was kind of the Bieber-that-broke-the-camel's-back for me. Being a christian mother of five kids (or any number) it is a constant struggle to help my kids to be "in the world and not of it." (Not sure where that quote comes from). And you know what? Let's put the Christianity aside-because what's good is good. Most of us are good parents who want the best for our children and we can probably all agree on that.

So, did I attack Justin Bieber? Not directly, but I may have contributed to the societal phenomenon that caused his attack. I have heard that if we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem.

Justin Bieber used to be a little kid who liked to sing and play the drums. Before he was an adult, he became-like many other child stars have-an object of idolization, ridicule, superstardom, sometimes abuse, and whatever else our fickle media and public opinion think of his actions each day. That is a lot to deal with for a child. It's a lot to deal with for many child stars. Think of every cute little movie/tv/Internet/music sensation that you can that has ended up on drugs, been abused, is an early onset alcoholic, or fill-in-the-blank. And GOD FORBID that you were an adorable kid who turned out to look like an unattractive adult. Many of those kids never work again!

So, what's my point? This is not about good or bad, people. This is about evidence and observation. There seems to be a direct link between celebrity life (for kids AND adults-but let's stick with kids for now) and troubled lives. We have a responsibility to protect out children and also protect other children in any way we can whenever possible. Now, I'm not telling you it our fault. I'm not telling you to boycott the childhood entertainment industry- but I would probably admire you if you did. :) What I AM saying is that I think we have to start talking to our children about this problem and not allowing the media and celebrities have to so much influence in their lives.

Here's some background info on me: My kids love most media, but their favorite is children's entertainment. First, I'll begin by saying that I don't let them watch heavy violence or sexual content because I don't want to fill their heads with thought of things that I would not want them to do in real life. I have heard that kids act out things that they don't understand and they don't know how to process a lot of mature content? That can cause them negative repercussions, emotional trauma, etc.

The REST of children's entertainment is pretty shallow and mildly inappropriate, to say the least.
Here is how I have I chosen to deal with that:
1-I have selected a list of things that my kids enjoy and shows that I don't feel are giving them a warped view of life or a fascination with rebellion and dating.
Result: my kids have a healthier respect for parents and dating and we talk about the shows they watch. They involve me and they understand why I have made these entertainment boundaries.

2-I have also chosen to only have Netflix, Hulu, and the Internet, which I am in charge of and we don't watch commercials normally.
Result: Since my kids stopped watching commercials, they are more grateful for what they have, they aren't always crying and melting down in retail store aisles, and they hate me a lot less.

3-Due to studies I have read about the negative physiological effect of too much media stimulation, We no longer watch TV or play video games on school nights (except for rare treats or much needed mommy breaks).
Result: My house is quieter and I like that. I didn't realize that I was addicted to the noise of the TV. My kids get along better because of our increase in family time. And, they know that they can use the Internet or iPad (when they have been responsible) to use study games and they are leaning more.
** Here's something else that was a pretty profound experience for me: I stopped having the TV babysit my kids and we have a better relationship because of that. This is a miracle folks! When they were little, I was afraid to turn the TV off because I didn't know what I was going to do without it. True story.

4-Then, I made the decision to keep them busy having fun and being creative, so they wouldn't even notice reduction in media consumption. I'm also trying to get us out of the sedentary lifestyle, be more active, play board games and cards, tell stories, grow plants, and the list goes on and on.
Result: more fun & and more love. :)

5-I have also chosen to have some non-judgemental conversations with my two older kids about how their favorite struggling stars are doing and encourage them to pray for them.
Result:my older kids have learned some valuable lessons and they care about the kids in the field of entertainment. They respect them and see them as real people!

6-NOT COOL ALERT!!! This might be a hard one, but I said NO to my kids when they had the desire to make an idol of CHILD performer. Now, we have had t-shirts and some neat school supplies, but it has been within reason. I also did not allow them to build child idol shrines in their bedrooms-you know like home made room dividers made entirely of Joe McIntyre posters like a certain junior high best friend of mine. And I have discouraged long-distance crush affairs that leave you crying in the floor because I didn't get to go to the NKOTB concert and all my friends did! Oh, I mean "them"...and something about "One Direction." ;)

In Closing, i want to make sure that you hear me say that we really enjoy entertainment whenever we reasonably can. We really do. Im not here to point fingers. If I ever do anything right in my life, its almost always the direct result it doing it wrong once or a hundred times- and its no exception in this case. Also, I am not condemning the famous kids, the fanatic kids, or their parents. The industry? Maybe, but this is more about what we can do to be healthy and not contribute to hurting ALL children. So about the list-use it. Don't use it. Make your own. But do SOMETHING. Maybe think twice before you click on the TMZ story about Lilo. Maybe choose not to buy that magazine with the provocative airbrushed photo of someone you know is not legally an adult. I'd love to hear some of your methods too! Please take a minute to comment on this and give me some wisdom or thoughts about this situation. And remember, parents don't let kids look like this:

Washing Your Hair in a Mental Hospital Bathroom

My life is a lot different since I became a mom over 14 years ago. When I was younger, I imagined being a perfect mom, with a perfect marriage, and perfect kids. I started out in 1998 as a natural mom who was going to give birth at home and live off of beans and rice, if that's what it took to stay home with my kids. I wanted a big family and I got it. We had five kids in eight years and I have been pregnant for about four years of my life. (Yes, I l know how that happens and yes, know it's a uterus-not a clown car). I tried for many years to be a perfect mom and have a normal life and I have yet to achieve either.

Fast forward to 2013 and my kids are 14, 12, 9, 8, and 6. I am a widow (divorced, but he has passed-we were still married in the Church). I'm about to have a high school student that occasionally reminds me of the reasons why animals eat their young. I have a tween-age girl and that is a lot harder so far than I EVER imagined. I work full-time, go to school part-time, and feel like I'm aging double-time.

I am slowly trying to let go of normal and perfect. It's pretty stressful and a futile struggle. Although, it CAN be pretty hilarious sometimes when I get in the mode of trying to be all things to all people- you know...after my rage and insanity passes. I recently had a day where I had at least 15 items on the to-do list which included lots of running around with four of the fab five in tow. It was a rough day: fighting, shopping, striking peace accords, begging God for mercy. I was also looking for an outfit for a wedding (that I never made it to) and I though how nice it would be to color my hair. I had been letting my gray grow out for several months as an experiment to see how gray it looks-REALLY gray, turns out. (I blame those kids.) So, I'm coloring my hair for the first time with good color that you paint on and I'm having to redirect, referee, penalize, and holler the whole time. The next thing I realize, I have to be where I'm going next in six minutes. I have two choices: have half a head of dyed hair or keep the hair dye hair on to go visit my friend in a mental health facility. Having no good options to chose from, I opted for the one that would be humiliating for the least amount of time. I put my stinky hair in a bun, put a dark bath towel around my neck, covered it with a scarf, and headed out the door.

When I arrived at my destination, I met my friend who looked very surprised to see me in such a frazzled state and he immediately noticed my new disturbing odor. When my 35 minutes of shame were up, I excused myself to the facilities. I avoided eye contact, made a beeline into a stall, and proceeded to pretend to use the bathroom until it was empty. I walked out of the stall to wash my hair in the sink. Here we go. All or nothing. What I had not thought of before this time was that it was an automatic sink and that there would be no hot water. It just got better and better. While I was playing head tag with the automatic sink I wondered if I should cry, laugh, or just absolutely lose my mind. I was in a mental facility. I would fit right in. Right?

Instead of asking for some medication and a straight jacket I chose to focus on flexibility, being merciful to myself, and making a resolution to plan better next time. Sometimes I feel really sorry for myself because I'm so busy all the time with the demands of single parenting five kids. I wanted the big family, but I never thought I would do it alone. But-my family is beautiful, funny, talented, an adventure, and the most important thing I will ever do or have on this side of eternity; and I'm their only parent. If that's not enough for me, then I'm being unfocused on my vocation, selfish, and ungrateful. Being a mom has changed me, challenged me, and refined me. It is one of the greatest sacrifices a woman can make and I'm working on enjoying the gifts, blessings, and time we have together instead of tolerating it and wishing for more or better. Today, I will stare at them. Hold them and press my cheek against theirs and drink them in. I will laugh. I might cry. I will definitely pray. And I will try not to lose it. But I will. not. miss. a. thing.

There was a time period when they were all smaller and I thought I wasn't going to make it. What was I thinking? But, that passed as I saw them becoming such beautiful people with so many hidden treasures and qualities tha I couldn't see when they were younger. Love and prayers to all the wonderful moms out there-especially of large broods-in whatever state your kids have left you. The following is a quiz I was thinking of using to tell if your a mom of a big family.

How you know you have a lot of kids:
1. You haven't had all of your laundry simultaneously washed, dry, folded, and put away for five years or more.
2. If you've ever had a sore arm and realized you have spanker's elbow.
3. If you have to get to event early for fear that there won't be enough seats together.
4. If you sit or stand in the foyer at most events because you can't ever get there on time.
5. If you buy your toilet paper by the case.
6. If you can't remember the last time you saw a flushed toilet.
7. When you remember the good old days when you used to shower or bathe every day.
8. If you cross your legs when you sneeze.
9. If your two tired to put ten items on this list. Seriously, I'm going to bed now. I may even take a shower.

Your assignment:
Send me some additions to the list! It'll be fun!

Being Careful What You Ask For

At my job, something I've been wishing could happen for the last couple of years is finally happening. I don't know...maybe the stars aligned, maybe not breaking the chain mail worked, or perhaps I just gestured a little differently when I asked this time, but we are finally getting an area enclosed for storage/workspace. It's the little things, right?
Well, anyway, I've been really excited about the nice little benefits that this room will provide and the process is happening months sooner than I expected (which is a miracle where I work.) I've been pleased to see the old things slowly moving out and the new building materials stacking up. So, here's something I hadn't thought of: my office wall is on the other side of this new remodeling process. All of a sudden, I began to hear horribly loud construction sounds and one of my co-workers said, "so, I guess this is what it's going to sound like around here for a while."
I was suddenly struck with dread and asked myself why I didn't think of all the noise and chaos that was going to accompany this new endeavor. I wondered if I would've even asked for the new room if I had thought of how hard it was going to be to put up with the upheaval and discomfort that it would cause me for an unspecified time period. And then-It. Hit. Me.
Isn't that the way I live my whole life? I pray for things that I know are good and I imagine what I think the best plan is-and SURELY that must be God's plan too, right? Because its good!
I am grateful for and humbled by this smack-in-the-face revelation that I want things because I think they're the best, and that's okay sometimes, but that I'm not being open to God's will.
A good friend of mine recently told me that I need to pray for God's mercy and focus less on what I can do to remedy certain situations in my life. It reminded me of one of my favorite things I have learned in my 12 step programs/readings about asking God (my higher power) to do for me what I cannot do for myself. I need to learn to stop trying to be God and control things that are out of my control. I can change some things. I have to accept things I cannot change. I have to submit to a higher power to gain the wisdom to know the difference.
If I could have built the new in my office I would have, but that's not a skill that I possess. If I had that skill I would have built it Myself.
I have also had much work and remodeling in my life and spiritual house needing to be done for years. I have come to realize that I can't fix or control most of that either. Much like my request for the new room, I have prayed for years for God to work on my life and situations and people in my life. And here I am, having asked for things that I couldn't do for myself, thinking I knew the best way for the work to get done, and wishing it wasn't so loud, chaotic, painful, scary, perfect, etc.
So, today I choose to be grateful for the builder. Grateful that he has the skill. That he has the plans. That, even though the building process may be hard to deal with, it will be good. Because the builder loves me and I love Him. Not the builder at my office. That would be creepy. You know what I mean...it's getting really late.

The Truth of the Matter

I'm writing tonight, in an attempt to get my blog flow rolling again. I warned you that I didn't know if I could be a consistent blogger-about two months ago. Some people like to be very committed and consistent in their blogging. I like to wait so long in between posts, that people wonder if i'm still alive. It keeps it more interesting. Well, anyway, i'm still alive and here goes nothing.
I had a really great Friday night. I love Friday nights. It's a great way to end my busy weeks and clear my head before I spend the rest of the weekend with my kids. Just before the band I sing in was going to start, a friend said, "Quit being in such a bad mood! What's wrong?" That totally caught me off-guard. I was so busy pretending to be in a good on the outside, that I didn't even realize the storm that was brewing within. Without hesitating, I replied, "I'm P***ed off!" Where did that come from?! I immediately started to tear up and we were standing on stage about the start the song. What kind of hypocrite runs around yelling at her kids and then gets up on stage and sings worship?! Well, I guess I'M the kind of hypocrite that does that!
But you know what? I'm not interested anymore in trying to live a life where I have to pretend to be anything i'm not. I believe that God made me and He's big enough to handle me and my feelings, wherever I am.
I don't even have a lot of concern about feelings. Feelings are uncontrollable and confusing at times. James 1:8 says man (or any person) is "double-minded and unstable in all his ways." I learned a lot about myself over the last fifteen years of living with addiction in my home. Two important things that I learned: I can't trust the addict and I can't trust ME. So, if I can't trust my feelings (which are subject to my human nature) and I can't trust myself, what can I trust?
When my life fell apart at the 20 and I gave my life to the Lord, I did it because nothing in my life had ever lasted. Everyone I love had failed me, I had lost things that I could never get back, and I had nothing left. In fact, the ONLY thing that had always been there for me was God. And not by accident, God was also the only thing that I could think of that COULD never leave or fail me. And so, my passionate adventure began. My life since has not been perfect or what I planned, but He has never left me. That should be enough, right? But NO-I still hurt over the pains of this world. I think that's just my heart reminding me that this is not my home. And until I make it there, I will trust in the truth-His Word, His promises, and the evidence of the reality of God that is all around us, if only we are willing to take the first step of the adventure.
Today I choose to look beyond feelings and stand upon the truth of God. Here are some of my favorite pieces of truth for the journey: (sources are not quoted here. I've got to go to bed, people!)
-God is faithfulness and he cannot deny himself.
-Unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated resentment.
-You can't fix the crap in your head with the crap in your head.
-Wherever you go, there you are.
-You can't have the resurrection without the crucifixion.
-You will grow in proportion to your ability to acquire grieving as a skill.
-He will make all things right, if I surrender to His Will.
-I am not alone.
These are just a few of things truths that I'm hanging on to right now. What are your favorites?

Balance

Okay, look. I don't know if I'll ever be a dependable blogger. And two posts in one day? There's got to be a rule against that...somewhere. I've never been good at rules. I long for a life that's not feast or famine, all or nothing. Before today, I hadn't blogged since Christmas. And guess what. That was kind of morbid too. I'm not always unhappy, so please give me the benefit of the doubt.
Anyway, I like to say or do something happy or positive after every difficult statement. So, here are some of my favorite quotes from the past week:
1) "One time, I made a candy cane!"-4yr. old, while going #2, referring to a previous #2.
2) "It was like a nightmare, only I felt great!"-good friend, can't elaborate.
3) "Lord and Holy Spirit, help me." -4yr. old, preparing to roll dice in a heated game of Farkle.
4) "Thank you for being a reflection of the Lord." -a friend who gives me way too much credit.

It's Just Another Day

Did you have a Happy Father's Day? Well, for various reasons (that you understand if you know me) holidays and special occasions are not as happy as they used to be. I really do love holidays, but no matter how great I feel about the day, there are people and things (in an extremely large, painful nutshell) that are gone. Do you feel me? If not, that's okay.
If so, let's talk about it.
Yesterday, I had a horrible morning and I let it cause me to make some bad choices (nothing illegal, don't worry). I didn't realize how badly I was hurting until that happened. I've struggled with special occasions for a while, but yesterday made me realize how important it is to have a plan for special days. And yes, i've tried just getting over it. It didn't work.
Anyway, here's a list of things that help me get through those sad days:
-Call someone and talk about it.
-Gripe, say it stinks, identify the feelings and get them out before they try to beat the peace out of you.
-If you need to, tell yourself that it's "just another day." I probably just offended someone that hates the idea of saying a religious holiday is "just another day." Don't worry, I'm not dissin' on Jesus. He knows that. (Thanks to LouDog for that piece of advice-it might not work for everyone, but it works for me.)
-Plan something special, so you're not at home all day in dirty pajamas, eating things you will regret. You know, thinking things like, "What kind of person sits home all day on _________, wearing dirty pajamas and eating things they will regret?" *disregard this last statement, if you feel really good about wearing dirty pajamas and eating things you will regret. To each his or her own...
But I digress...
I felt terrible, I screwed up, and then I picked myself up, reached out, and did something for myself. It was a great end to the day.
How do you deal with tough days?

p.s. I love my dad. :)

Blue Christmas

Each Christmas, something triggers a memory from my childhood. I used to dread this occurrence each year, but as I grow older, I have come to cherish this feeling and dread it at the same time. The memory is of me sitting in my mom's car as a little girl with the radio on. I heard the song, "Blue Christmas" sung by Elvis Presley. Cheezy, right? I was a pretty young girl, but I remember crying and thinking about how much I missed my Grandpa Burks who had passed away. Each year of my life since I was five, I have heard that song and felt that same sadness, but the list of people that I think of while it plays has grown. I carry this list of people who have passed with me all the time and I have resigned myself to the process of living and dying. I'm not a really good griever. I always focus too much on the regreats and not enough on the good times. Usually, what I call "grieving" is just me pretending like they never died. I'm working on it, though, and I accept myself where I am. It's a waste of time not to.
As my wise friend Diane would say, "growing older is a series of losses." This may sound morbid to some, but I think accepting life "as it is and not as I would have it," as is stated in the Serenity Prayer, is a major key to peace in a world of strife and loss.
The good news? In Mark 12, it says, "He is not the God of the dead, but of the living." These people who have died in Christ are not dead. In fact, they are more alive than we are! I am not always comforted by this in my grief, but I know this is God's truth. That will have to carry me through until I arrive HOME to my Father and see my brothers and sisters again. What a great day that will be!

Here's my list as of Christmas 2010:
I'll probably forget some folks, but that's the hazard of blogging with six other people making noise in my house.
(In fairly sequential order from the age of five up until now)
Grandpa Lemuel Burks
Brent Paladino
Karlos Highfill
Amanda Sherwood
Uncle Clyde Allen
Bonnie Garner
Betty Thompson
Granny Vera Burks
Mike McMurrough
Lottie Ramsey
Feliz (oops can't remember my great aunt's last name)
Marie (again, I have forgotten these aunts married names)
Jessica Morgan
Joyce Hazlett
Christa Stramel
Robert Toon

Here are the lyrics: (minus the ladies singing the high pitched singing of the ooh, ooh, wee, ooh )
I’ll have a blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me
And when the blue snowflakes start falling
That’s when those blue memories start calling
You’ll be doing alright with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue ChristmasYou’ll be doing alright with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas