When Your Kids Don't Give a Crap

Things have been really piling lately. Memories. dirty clothes. bills. commitments. tasks. There are times that I think I'm getting somewhere in life and it seems to never fail-a setback. Someone is in trouble at school. Someone broke everything on the mantle. Someone let the dog out. A fight is happening. No, like right now. As I write this. A fight is happening.

Everyday, in and out, and I feel like I'm the only one who cares sometimes. Sometimes? Okay, honestly, much of the time. Many days feel like me vs. five kids. Just last week, I asked Siri a question on my iPhone and she said, "I didn't understand what you said, 'Harry Buffalo.'" Seriously, these kids don't miss a thing. I can think of more useful ways for them to spend their time than to get my phone to call me ridiculous names-but they can't. They are just being kids and I'm trying to change our lives and build a future.

I've said it to myself a hundred times in my head (not out loud, thankfully), these kids don't care. They don't give a crap about what I'm trying to do. I'm just being honest people. Try not to be offended. But, eventually, I said that to myself so many times that it spurred another thought. What would it take for my kids to care and what would that mean?

I mean, really. First, why don't they care? Because they are kids! Should I really be wishing that my kids care about my stress and burdens in life? It would be nice at times, but what I'd really like is for my kids to just be kids. I mean, isn't that what I'm working so hard for-that our lives can we as good as possible and we don't have to be worried and stressed all the time? And I don't mean that I'm trying to shelter them or creating an unrealistic codependent situation where I suffer and all I want is for them to be happy. Gag. The term "all I want is for my kids to be happy" is a pet peeve of mine. I'm sure it's not always a red flag, but most of the time I hear that saying, people are allowing their kids to do something they, ideally, wouldn't or shouldn't be doing. So, stop worrying about that. We will all be happy and unhappy at times. The goal is not be happy and we will often be unhappy, but doing the right thing. And that's okay.

Anyhoo, back to the subject. Part of the issue with many people like myself who struggle with codependency is that they didn't GET to be kids. I know now that not getting to be a kid when I was supposed to be a kid didn't work out well for me. I made a lot of bad choices because of the pain of not really having much of a childhood and turned to a lot of bad things when I finally got to be an official adult. This was my way of rebelling and covering the pain. Kids need to be kids. There's enough to worry about as a kid in today's troubled generation and hyperactive world, without throwing in the need to be stressed out about how parents are struggling and hurting. This is insanity. I can't control things and I am having unreasonable expectations (aka premeditated resentments). It's time to stop.

So, how do I get out of this place where I feel like my kids don't give a crap? How do I get away from this negative mindset?
-Stop relying on my kids to validate my feelings and provide me emotional support that they don't know how to give. I mean seriously, these kids can't even flush a toilet!
-Reach out to my accountability team and support network who know how to support me and keep me on track with my parenting.
-Take a break. Seriously. Everyone can make it without me for a little while. And i'm not healthy when I don't take breaks. Without breaks, I can't get peace, rest, or perspective.
-Forgive my kids. All the time. And don't just blanket this. Forgive each child by name and give each specific hurt to God. Forgive them in the name of Jesus and find a way to affirm your love for them to God, to yourself, and to each child.
-Cry! Sometimes all I can do is cry. And I don't have to do it in front of my children. But if you do, no judgement here.
-Play! Do you know how much our kids want us to play with us?! It's ridiculous! They actually (usually) want nothing more than that. And playing with kids doesn't have to be expensive. Their favorites games I play are where I mash them like pancakes, I roll over them (aka-steamroller), or when I pretend to be a sleeping monster that tries to use them as pillows. This is a very healing process, actually. Play is a way to connect and WILL relieve a lot of the relationship stress that builds up.
-Love them as the children they are, not as the children I want them to be. We have to let them be little, give them reasonable challenges, and make sure they know they're good enough. Our kids will never please us if we are comparing them to someone they aren't yet. That is not even fair.
-Fall in love again-Write down some happy memories. Watch some videos or look at old pictures. Most importantly, be grateful. There are so many people out there that would love to have children and can't. It is no accident that we have our children. It is God who opens and closes the womb. These children aren't randomly assigned. This is special opportunity and we need to tell them how grateful we are for their gifts and that we get to be their parents.

Well, I could write about this topic all night, but I have to wrestle some kids to bed who are acting like they've never done this before. Love and prayers!

Helping Your Kids Grieve

Oh wow, you guys. Wow. Last Wednesday would have been my late husband's 39th birthday and it was a hell of a week. Birthdays and holidays are still pretty hard, but I felt better and stronger than ever this year and I even decided to go on a work trip and not even be with my kids on their dad's birthday. This was a big step for me because, if I've learned nothing else from being the parent of five grieving children, I've learned that I have no control over their grieving process and I often have to put my grieving aside to help them with theirs. 

My younger kids seemed pretty shocked that I would EVEN dare not to be with them on their dad's birthday and one of my teenagers starting shutting down a week in advance. This was not going to be uncomplicated. However, I felt that it was important for them to know that it was okay for me to move forward and do. normal. things. More on normal things later. As the strugglers began to struggle and the rememberers became nostalgic, a storm was brewing. In the end, I created a good situation for the kids who were doing okay with everything and the kids who were not okay got to go somewhere with friends who could help them through the hard days. Divide and conquer. The week ended with an emotional explosion and a few days later, here we are-we lived through another holiday and birthday. 

So, in honor of the occasion that we are still getting up and living, I decided to write a little on how to help kids grieve. Of course, I am no expert, but having five kids makes me feel like I have a pretty thorough research project on humanity, so here goes: 

1) Find a grieving outlet for yourself that is not related to your kids-heck! Talk to some grown-ups even! When you find yourself sinking, call someone. Do it every day until the funk passes. I went to a 12-step group to process and I have a sponsor and accountability team that I can call, regardless of the topic. 

2) Don't dump YOUR grief ON your kids. Keep yourself together as much as possible and don't pre-assume that special days are going to be bad. There's a really great scriptures that says to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and weep with those who are weeping. (paraphrase of Romans 12:15). But-my best advice is to live in a way that they feel safe and free to grieve and try to just be ready. 

3) If you do have days where you can't control your grieving, that's okay too. Your kids need to see you cry and know that it's okay to be sad if you need to. We aren't doing our kids any favors by pretending to be okay. Jeremiah 6:14 says that you "can't heal a wound by saying it's not there." I have seen my kids who don't like to cry about their dad's passing get angrier and harder the longer they hold it in. 

4) We cannot control the grieving process for our kids (or for ourselves). I remember when it first happened-I was trying to schedule my grieving. Can you believe that? I was actually trying to schedule my grieving like I was going to have sessions. I did mean well. I felt like I was going to lose it and I was trying not to go crazy, but that didn't work out and I realized I was just being controlling again. And so it is with our kids, we can't control anything. We can't make them be okay. Or let it out. Or feel better. Or be okay. We are not God. And it makes them feel like they can't share safely when we are controlling and then they are sad about the loss AND angry at us at the same time!

5) Don't assume anything! Don't assume what? Anything!!! I can't stress this enough!!! I know this doesn't directly apply to everyone, but in my situation I have had to accept that I have no idea what it is like to lose a parent during childhood and I don't understand the devastation that comes with that type of loss. And you know what's even more important than that? THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER!!! The poor kids' brains don't even finish forming until they are adults and they have some really weird understandings of how life happens and what everything means. I have gone through seasons of trying to reason with them, only to find out that they didn't even realize everything that happened in the process and they have no idea what I'm talking about.

6) Sometimes you just have to walk away. There are times when I've done all that I can do and I have a kid (or two or three or four) that is sulky, angry, and inconsolable. And I. can't. fix. it. I just can't and it's wrong to pretend like I can or that everything is going to be okay. The truth is that it is not okay. I hope there is a day that all of my kids can feel okay again, but that may be a long time from now and again, I have NO control over that. In those instances, it is okay to give your child space. Not every kids wants a hug, or perspective, or wisdom, or memorial activities. Sometimes our grieving kids just want to be left the hell alone! And that's okay. (she typed with teeth gritted) It's hard, but it's okay. 

7) Do normal things. Eat dinner. Take showers. Go to the movies. Do homework. Don't stop living when someone has died. Kids will become emotionally paralyzed if they are allowed to shut down while grieving. Watch something funny. Go outside. They will talk if they want to, but sometimes it's just nice to do things and not talk. 

8) Take advantage of grief support programs and counseling. We used to attend a weekly  meetings. Now, we go to an annual retreat. All my kids and I have been through therapy and some of us are gearing up for round two. Things get better and then they might be worse again. This is not something that will likely get better and stay perfect. We need to be focused and observant for the times that new issues arise and we need to get more help. It's okay to get help and our kids need to go through that with us. 

9) Get involved in service. A couple of years ago my kids and I helped a homeless family for a few days and that led to many more service opportunities. Eventually, this began to transform our family. The kids felt less and less sorry for themselves because of what had happened to them and they started telling me who they thought I should help next. It gave us a new lease on life! 

10) It's okay to explode. Give your kids the freedom to throw a fit if they need to. Within limits, when a kid is boiling inside, give them permission to let it out. Maybe even create an activity where they could let out some aggression. Most importantly, since these explosions aren't usually planned, at least be aware that there is life after the explosions and they don't have to be a big deal. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes there has to be consequences to make sure that this doesn't become a way of life and to ensure safety. After last week, I took a step back, didn't say much for the weekend, had my own tantrum in my privacy of my room (completed with crying and punching the bed), and normalcy returned today with hugs and laughter all around. 

And you know what? It's okay. All of it. :) 

Good Grief - When Holidays Hurt

Holiday are like a grief magnifying glass for me. I grieve year-round, but it's hardest on holidays (and birthdays). Today was no exception. Kids fighting, Me crying. It's become a new tradition. I wish it wasn't that way, but I'm grieving. And i'm also annoyed.

I think we are conditioned in our society to believe that holidays are supposed to be special and perfect. So many of us have an ideal holiday in our heads and we put a lot into it as a society. The problem? Everyone you love is supposed to be with you. But that's not the case for so many of us.

And to make it even worse, people don't want you to grieve on holidays. It messes up the obligatory good times. The picture-perfect holidays. It makes people feel uncomfortable. I mean, can't you just put it aside and enjoy the day? Aren't you grateful? It is Thanksgiving, after all. And what about all the other stuff people tell you tell you to try to make you feel better:

It's God's plan. God will work it out for your good!

You have so much to be thankful for!

He/she would want you to be happy. 

It's time to move on. 

You'll be okay. 

Well, I think I can speak for many of us walking wounded when I say that I. know. all. of. that. I even BELIEVE all of that. But-it doesn't always make me feel better. And you know what? Grief isn't just at the holidays. It's every day of your life in varying levels. And I give all of us who are hurting permission to not pretend we aren't grieving so everyone else can feel better about their holiday. I give you permission to be real and not feel obligated to be okay so others around you can feel better. And you know what else? It doesn't say anything bad about us that we aren't over it yet. 

This entry probably sound pretty angry, but it's not really that angry. Just honest. So...now that I've vented all this, let's be positive. Here are some good thoughts that have helped in my grieving process:

-sometimes you just have to tell yourself, "it's just another day." It's best not to expect for a holiday to be magically awesome if you are already having pretty non-awesome grieving days on at least a semi-regular basis. 

-It's okay to not celebrate if you don't feel like it, but don't isolate. Stay around people who let you be yourself and can handle your feelings. Maybe someone who's not as closely related to the loss but is close enough to be a safe place to lean and rest. 

-You don't have to hold it in. It's okay to cry and not worry about what others think of you. It's normal to cry when you are grieving. It's not really normal to NOT cry when you are hurting. Tears are cleansing and healing. And stop apologizing for crying or being sad. 

-There is a saying that "grief is the price we pay for loving someone." (I'm not sure of the source.)

Even if you feel negative about your loss, try to acknowledge your love for that person and honor the sacredness of your best moments. This may seem like a paradox of feelings, but that's okay. It doesn't have to make sense. You CAN have joy in the pain. You can laugh AND cry. You can be whatever you need to be. And it doesn't matter what others think about it. 

-Last, one of the best things that someone has ever told me about grief is that I control it. It doesn't control me. That is something I don't even fully understand yet, but a great reminder and goal. 

Thanks for letting me share. If you have more suggestions for how to get through the holidays, I'd love to hear them. 

Happy Thanksgiving? 

Holy Sheep!!!

^"Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." 
John 21:7-10

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on retreat. This is a rarity for me these days, and it was in town, so I didn't get a complete break. I checked on my kiddos older kiddos who were at home and had to take breaks to work at my full-time job. But-the parts of it that I got to attend were very nice. The weekend's topic was discipleship. 

I was very tired by the end of the retreat on Sunday, but I had a very refreshing time of soul cleansing through the Sacrament of Reconcilation the night before. I was at peace as much as I could be at the time. Life has been overwhelming for a while. (no complaints, just saying...)

During the closing session that morning, the topic turned to sheep. Dr. Linda Rooney read the scripture from John 21 where Jesus asks Peter three times if he (Peter) loved Him (Jesus).  I'm sure you've heard the story and, depending on your version, Jesus tells Peter in reply to feed and care for His sheep. And that was the question for the morning. Who are my sheep? Who has God asked me to not only feed, but also to care for. There are many ways to feed God's sheep, but she emphasized what it is to have someone in your care; loving them and watching over them until you reach the destination. We listened as she described the role of a shepherd, our job as shepherds of the lambs and sheep of the Lord, and the role of Jesus as our shepherd.

Then, Dr. Rooney said something that I had heard before, but in a new way. In John 7, Jesus says, "I am the sheep gate." She went on to explain that in biblical times and even today in some countries, that a shepherd who is traveling with a flock makes a holding at night for the sheep and lays down in front the opening (or entrance) and acts as the gate. Did you know that?! Well, I didn't! I had never known the meaning of that verse. What a beautiful thought! This may not have stood out to many others in the room, but I am a mother of five. I cannot count how many times when all five of mine were little that I just. needed. a. nap. And was it going to be worth it? What if they quietly burned the house down while I was sleeping? What if they ran away? What if they injured themselves? Or me!

So...when I was desperate for some rest, I would take them all in the playroom, lay them down for their naps, close the door, and lay down in front of the door and SLEEP! As I remembered those days of exhaustion and struggle and trying to love those little people who seemed to want their way more than they wanted mine, I pictured Jesus laying down as the gate. And I pictured myself as one of the sheep inside. And I remembered how many times I tried (and sometimes still do) to get through the gate and leave my Shepherd behind. And I also thought of the many times that a little one of mine had tried to get passed me as I lay sleeping and how much it hurt when they stepped on me or fell on me in their clumsiness. And then I thought of the pain that I caused Jesus when I step on Him, trying to get out on my own and start leading myself.

Come to think of it, even now when my little sheep aren't doing well, I'm trying to be the sheep gate for them instead of letting Jesus be the gate. Have you ever heard the term "there is a God and it's not you?" Well, I keep finding myself at Step 1 again having to "realize I'm not God" and that I am "powerless." And that's really what it is when we try to be the gate. And by that, I just mean trying to take control. Sure, we have a commitment as christians to be discples and feed and care for God's flock. But-make no mistake-we are not God. We are not the gate. And even more importantly, there's a lot at stake when we don't feed and care for God's flock properly. In John 21 at the beginning of this post, it states the all who enter through Jesus will be saved and that the enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy. Lurking outside the flock are always the wolves. 

So the questions remains: Who are the sheep that God has entrusted to us to care for and feed? And are we willing to lay down and take the risk? What do we do if the sheep God gives us reject our care? What if we are hurt? Will we abandon the flock? Are we willing to let Jesus be the shepherd, admit that we are not God, and that we are not able to determine the outcome? Can we give the sheep that over to God's care and control? 

May we all look to the Shepherd and let Him lead us in our path of discipleship. 

^"The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice."
John 21:3-4



 

I'm a Big Whiner Baby

I'm not gonna lie, folks. I've had a rough week. No complaints, just giving myself permission to not act like everything's okay. BUT- i'm not going to dwell on that right now.

Tonight, I had the great honor of sitting with a survivor of the Rwandan genocide that took place in 1994, when he was 8. years. old. People! As I write this, one of my children is sitting on the couch regretting his life because I took his rock mallet away! Insanity! We don't have ANY real problems.

As I listened to this beautiful man with the big, joyful smile recount the history of his war-torn country and his memories of bodies piled up in the streets, the river, everywhere, it was humbling. I know about suffering. I have seen some hard times compared to some. But-I have never known the kind of suffering this man has endured, losing most of his family, losing everything he had in life, and wearing the machete-slice scars on his head from 20 years ago. The most amazing part is that the same suffering that broke many people he knew and destroyed their faith was the same suffering that made his and his family's faith stronger. The power of redemption. 


As I'm sitting here tonight, I'm listening to my kids annoy the heck out of each other and whine about what the don't have. We are all stressed out from another day of moving and arguing with each other. I'm reminded of one of the most powerful statements I've ever heard at a 12-step meeting:

"Bitterness says 'I didn't get my way in the past.'
Anger says, 'I'm not getting my way now.'
Fear says, 'I might not get my way in the future.'"

I remember the first time I heard that spoken in a meeting. I asked the person to say it again and then I thought, "wow. That's really it. That's really what it all comes down to. I'm such a baby." I can't speak for everyone, but this statement is true for me. I'm bitter because I didn't get my way in the past. I'm angry because I'm not getting my way now. I'm fearful because I might not get my way in the future. Back to Step One.

Stop Worrying About Your Kids-Part Two

So, what now? In every situational inventory (which is, basically, what that list of codependent behavior is), I‘ve learned through friends, programs, and experience, that’s it always most effective to list the good after the bad. That always leaves me feeling encouraged, hopeful, and having a better perspective. The inventory should end well and the parenting story will end well also. So here are some things that I’m working on that are healthy efforts in the midst of unhealthy behavior:

·         Keeping good boundaries-sometimes I’m on edge because I’m letting the kids get into my space too much, invade my time, ask for too much (to which I usually give too much), and I don’t make enough time for me. When Mom’s happy, everything is better. I’d like to use the rest of the saying, “then everybody’s happy,” but that’s not always how it works. Having boundaries also includes not doing things for my kids that they should be doing for themselves. I do want them to grow up and be able to do things for themselves. (only ten years to go!)

·         Allowing kids of all ages to experience consequences-As the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend teaches, consequences grow people up. When I don’t give consequences for negative behavior or don’t make my children follow through and/or accept consequences in their lives, I am giving them no reason to change and develop good behavior. Good consequences for good behavior is important too.

·         Being consistent-and let me clarify-I don’t mean PERFECTLY consistent. Perfection is not the goal. The goal is to do my best and get up every day and act like the woman God is calling me to be. I can’t do everything, be everything, and catch everything. My consistent efforts send the message that I’m not quitting, backing down, this is important, and I will not give up on this process.

·         Making quality time-The latest addition to our busy schedule is “ten minutes with Mom.” It could be anything from movies to card games or watching funny Youtube videos and it’s super simple. Our counselor even advised to give commentary while you are playing games to make sure that everyone is staying engaged. “oh, you have a yellow five card,” is an easy example. It’s also a great time to offer encouragement for positive behavior like, “thanks for not getting mad when you lost that game.” Lately, one of my teenagers and I haven’t been very fond of each other, but we played cards anyway and we left the door open. Things are getting better because of it.  

On that last bullet point, let me say something about not being very “fond of each other.” This is a hard process. Sometimes it good, but sometimes it’s not good at all. Sometimes good parenting means being the bad guy to my kid and not backing down. When they were small, it didn’t seem so significant because I had so much control over what they did. As my kids grow and become more independent, we have a lot more long periods of not being happy with each other. This has been sad because I feel like I’m losing some of the most precious years of their lives while we are at war with each other. However, if I’ve learned nothing else about healthy decisions, I have learned that people will often reject me when I choose to do the next right thing instead of giving in to their unhealthy behavior. I say “people” here because it’s not just kids that will do this. Sometimes people and kids punish us for not giving in to their poor, self-serving behavior. That hurts, but it will always pay off in the end. My kid may not like my choices, but I know when they grow up, they will see that I loved them and didn’t put my need for them to like me before their need for me to love them the way they needed to be loved-and that can mean TOUGH love too.

So…what if it fails? What if I do all this and they still rebel and turn away from me AND God?

Even if my children choose to reject the good lives and opportunities they have been given, I will always have the peace of knowing that I didn’t cause it, enable, perpetuate it, and I don’t have to live my life in guilt because I helped them fail. And-someday they will run back because they will know the difference between right and wrong and remember how much God and I loved them.

And what’s the worst thing that can happen to them? If God promised that if we raise our children up in the instruction of the Lord, that they will not depart from it, then should I be worried? If He promises to take everything that Satan meant for evil and use it for good, shouldn’t I be resting in the peace that we belong to Jesus and EVERY thing in our lives will be used for our good? Fear and stress are from the enemy and they should be red flags that tell me that I need to turn back to God and give my life, my family, and the outcome to Him over and over again.

And SO WHAT if they make mistakes?! Every person I admire is a mistake maker and usually someone who has suffered and overcome their circumstances. God uses those broken overcomers to lead people out of lives of darkness and into His marvelous light. I’ve never read St. Paul’s beautiful writings and thought, “his story would mean a lot more to me if he hadn’t murdered all those people!” How far God brought St. Paul makes his life magnify the power of God to deliver and set free!  And furthermore, when my world fell apart, it was the adulterers, former prostitutes, addicts, convicts, rejects, and other lost and found sheep that God surrounded me by to carry me until I could walk. They loved me extravagantly and committed themselves to me and my family because someone had done that for them. Now my family does the same for others.

What have I been doing? I’ve been trying to keep my kids from being like the people that I admire most!!! This is ridiculous! Of course, I don’t WANT my kids to make horrible mistakes, but I could be standing in the way of God’s will for them by trying to hold on to them so tightly. He will work out their lives for his glory and for the building of the kingdom of God. He will get them to heaven and that’s the most important thing I should be hoping for them. The bottom line is that my kids and I can’t have His will for us until I. Let. Go.

God, forgive me for trying to save my kids from Your plan. Forgive me for not trusting you to do what’s right and best. Give me the grace to love them as you lead them down the good path that You have planned, regardless of how that plan looks. 

P.S. If any of my kids are reading this, NO, you cannot have your phones back. Go flush the toilet.  

Stop Worrying About Your Kids (and other things God has asked me to do that are difficult)

Lately, I have really been struggling with the stress of parenting. It’s hard to pinpoint it to one thing, but here are my “serenity breakers”  in the area of parenting:

·         Kids fighting, bickering, bullying, arguing, and generally offending one another; which fills the house with strife and ruins many of the family activities/outings that we attempt. (hey-lets go spend $30 on expensive ice cream so we can all fight in front of the general public!)

·         Kids breaking rules. One of my least favorite: Kids taking food without asking-yes, I know that sounds stingy of me, but I feel disrespected when the kids eat things without asking. It makes it difficult to plan meals ahead. This results in thinking that I have food/ingredients that I don’t really have and leaves me without what I need for meals and packed lunches. Of course, I could just run to the store every day. No big deal. Right? Not to mention that it would be too easy to throw the wrappers, boxes, and half eaten items in the trash. That’s too cliché? Not daring enough? I really don’t know why, but it’s APPARENTLY way easier to discard all those sticky and/or greasy decorations under furniture, in laundry baskets, behind the toilet, or ANYWHERE that would result in me transforming into a deranged lunatic when I find it. Why am I going into to such detail with this? Because I want you to understand that this makes me ABSOLUTELY INSANE! We can also add to the rule-breaking category: lying, peeing on the toilet seat, cleaning out the guinea pig cage and leaving the scat bag in some surprise location in the house, not flushing, leaving the back door open with the air on, leaving the deep freeze wide open in the summer, having a knife fight (not kidding), and hiding dirty socks and underwear (and all other dirty clothing) in the clean laundry baskets, inside furniture, the front yard, and various other locations. This is not the whole list, but I’m getting angrier as I type. I’ll stop there.

·         Kids making bad choices that could take them down on the wrong road in life or lead to addictions and major problems. How do I know that this could happen? Because I feel the pain of the some of the choices I made when I was their age every. day. of. my. life. No kidding. EVERY day. I’m mostly talking about my teenagers for this part.

Let me be the first to throw it out there that I’m not good at this phase of parenting. I’m not good at watching them grow up. I’m not good at looking at them and seeing them so grown up and not crying about the babies that I miss. I’m not good at the process of letting them go-especially when I see them messing up all the possibilities for good stuff later in life.

How do I know that they are messing up all those fantastic possibilities? Easy. I DON’T. And I have become totally consumed by a war against my children and their bad choices which I have hoped will result in their victory over all these things. And guess what? It’s driving me insane. So-the other day, I made an inventory of “my part” of this situation. Not just my part of their problems, but my part of ME not being in the right place mentally, having healthy thoughts, and managing my stress well. Here’s what I listed as “my part:”

·         When the kids are at their worst, I’ve usually deteriorated into break-down mode by then, which includes crying often, overeating, underactivity, disengagement, discouragement, and distraction. At that point, I’m usually just hoping that I can lecture them enough to get them to change, but I’m not really doing much good to divert, give vision, and keep them moving forward and engaged. It’s kind of like I’m protesting and acting like a well…you know…kid.

·         In regards to my stress level, I have fallen into some recovery issues, which I will call general codependency. Here are some codependent traits (from various 12 step book, AA/Al-Anon materials, and personal experience) which are affecting my state of mind:

o   Magical thinking-this is a very common trait for codependent people where they live in a fantasy world, imagining the attainment of perfection, being loved and needed, loving and giving your all for others, and imagining that things will somehow all end up okay. This is NOT reality and I can set myself up for some big smacks in the face when my wishbone is where my backbone should be.

o   Unrealistic expectations-there is a great 12-step-ism that says that “unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” This is so true. I learned how to stop having unrealistic expectations of addicts, but it’s always much harder for me to utilize what I have learned about enabling addicts to my kids. My kids not only have the regular issues that come with being a kid, but they also lived in an alcoholic home for most of their lives, followed by the death of their dad. There are a lot of issues to work on and I am so afraid to lose this war that I have stopped choosing battles and started fighting everything. EVERYTHING. This, too, is insanity.

o   Pride & Perfectionism-When my kids were younger I was a VERY angry parent. I rode them constantly and punished harshly. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I couldn’t stop. It was all I had ever known. It poured out of me and, as much as I hated myself for it, I could NOT stop. I tried lots of methods of getting rid of my anger, but it wasn’t until I realized WHY I was so angry that I could do something lasting about it. I couldn’t blame it on my parents anymore and it wasn’t the kids’ faults. One night in a small group sharing time, I realized that it all came down to pride and perfection. I was trying to be perfect so I could be worthy of love and acceptance and I needed my kids to be perfect too. It was a sobering realization. I could picture all the times that I had been so hard on them-and all for the sake of MY perfection.

o   Self-destructive behaviors-When I was a teenager and early young adult, if I was stressed out (or not) I would have gotten drunk, high, and thrown a party. End of story. Dunzo. When I left that life behind me, I switched to food, wasting money, procrastination, isolation, and other habits that show my passive aggression, self-rejection, self-punishment, and general non-acceptance and dissatisfaction for life. It is difficult to manage kids when I’m living in this painful place of self-destructive behaviors.  There are many times that I am being hard on my kids for their behavior, knowing fully that I wouldn’t be so mad at them if I weren’t so mad at myself for my own behavior. I’m not going to beat myself up about this right now. I’m just going to give it to Jesus, my higher power, and ask Him to help me.

o   Playing God-The first step of recovery if to realize that I’m not God. What? I have NEVER thought I was God! I mean just because I think that I can save someone…fix their problems… determine the outcome of their lives…give them the answers that would change them…I mean…aren’t I responsible for how they turn out? I’m not? Oh, okay. Well…crap. This was a really painful one for me. My sponsor finally had to tell me, “Susej, you stop trying to play God. You can’t control how your kids respond to their dad’s death. You can’t control any of this.” I guess knowing is half the battle, but it’s still hard to not fall back into that. Either way, it doesn’t work, so I’m trying to stop going down that street all together.

To be continued…